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U-DECIDE-2: Trump, Sanders, and Jemas Win Big in Last Night's Primaries

Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, March 09 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

U-DECIDE-2: Trump, Sanders, and Jemas Win Big in Last Night's Primaries

Double Take's Super Packs are one step closer to winning the Republican presidential nomination and control of The Outhouse.


Source: Double Take

Pundits and political analysts were shocked last night at the results of primaries in Michigan, Mississippi, Idaho, and Hawaii as Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders, and Double Take publisher Bill Jemas scored big wins in several states. While most websites are focusing on Trump and Sanders' victories, The Outhouse is most impressed by Jemas, probably because his company sponsors our website on a regular basis. Jemas, who entered his Genesis III Super Packs into the Republican presidential primaries last month as part of a ploy to gain control of The Outhouse, wagered that the bundled packs of 10 comics, retailing for just $20, would out-perform more than half of the Republican field, which at that time consisted of Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Marco Rubio, and Donald Trump. Since then, Bush, Carson, Christie, and Fiorina have all dropped out, leaving Jemas and Double Take just one depressed would-be-dictator away from total domination of a third rate comic book website.

"Of course, I always believed that my Super Packs would do great in a presidential election," Jemas told reporters at a press conference outside Double Take's Manhattan offices, which are coincidentally located on the 666th floor of Trump Tower. "Voters are tired of establishment candidates who just want to protect the status quo. Double Take's Super Packs make comics affordable again, and they appeal to young voters who don't wait to wait six months and pay $30 just to read a single story."

Jemas added that Double Take had no plans to build a wall of any sort across the Mexican border, unless the wall were to be constructed entirely of Super Packs stacked on top of one another and paid for by the Mexican Government, saying such a deal would be "more lucrative than Loot Crate" and would help the publisher perform a veritable market share coup on the monthly sales charts.

Just one month after announcing the candidacy of his Super Packs on the night of the New Hampshire primaries, Jemas seems poised to achieve his goal of outlasting more than half of the Republican candidates, with Marco Rubio putting in an exceptionally poor showing on Tuesday night. Rubio's campaign advisers are reportedly considering pulling out of the race even before Rubio's home state of Florida votes, which would effectively turn the Republican primaries into a four man - or three man and one bundle of comics - race between Trump, Cruz, Kasich, and the Super Packs. Actually scratch that. It's a one man, one pack of comics, one lizard, and one orange skinned goblin race. But basically, you get the point.

At press time, Jemas was considering keeping his Super Packs in the race even after he wins the U-DECIDE-2 contest, believing that his Super Packs might be able to take advantage of a brokered Republican convention, become the actual Republican nominee, and go on to beat Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders in the general election. While it seems crazy to believe that ten interconnected comics in a value-priced bundle could be the next president of the United States, ask yourself: is it really any crazier than the rest of the election cycle has been?

If you, like we, believe that Bill Jemas's Genesis III Super Packs are the right choice to lead this country into the future, we encourage you to donate to their campaign by asking your local comic book retailer to stock Super Packs in their store.





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About the Author - Jude Terror


Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.


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The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!