As the Midwest's largest comics convention draws to a close this afternoon, tired congoers, exhibitors, and panelists are looking forward to heading back to their hotels or catching an early flight home and getting some well-deserved rest. However, one obstacle stands in their way. One angry, ginger obstacle.
As fans attempting to exit the con before the 5PM closing approached the exits at McCormick Place, they were distressed to find that superstar Marvel Comics writer Mark Waid had constructed a barrier blocking all of the doors and was refusing to let anyone leave until they "hashed out this Superman killing thing once and for all."
"Look, nobody is going to get hurt, because this isn't a Zack Snyder movie," Waid assured the frightened crowd as security guards scrambled to keep the situation from escalating. "I just think that, since we're all here, and we've all had a hard weekend, maybe we can just get together right now and agree that Superman doesn't kill, and if you think Superman should kill, then you don't know anything about Superman."
Waid, looking disheveled and crazed, had spent the entire weekend arguing over Superman's actions in the 2013 film Man of Steel, beginning with a Twitter battle with a Forbes writer on Thursday night and leading into a bizarre outburst at the Marvel All-New All-Different Avengers panel on Friday, where Waid refused to speak about anything other than the fact that Superman doesn't kill. But Waid's obsession with Man of Steel goes back to when the movie was first released, when Waid published a screed on his Thrillbent blog describing yelling at the movie screen and having to be restrained by his girlfriend. Since then, Waid will argue endlessly with anyone willing to engage him on social media about the subject. It seems that the pressure of being the sole defender of Superman has finally gotten to Waid.
"Everyone just settle down," pleaded Marvel Executive Editor Tom Brevoort as the crowd surged and a few brave congoers murmured about rushing the barricade. "I'm sure we can all walk away from this without anyone getting hurt. Right Mark?"
"Superman doesn't kill, Tom," Waid barked back. "Say it. Superman doesn't kill."
"What about the end of Superman 2?" shouted someone from the crowd, causing Waid to brandish a large cosplay axe and yell, "Who said that?! I'll split you in two!"
After about thirty minutes of a tense standoff, the matter seemed to near resolution as a terrified DC Comics intern was pushed in front of the crowd as a sacrifice. "They tell me, Vlad, let Mark Waid violently assault you with foam weapons so that we can all go home and go to sleep," the intern told reporters at the convention's first aid booth. "So that is what I do." However, before Waid could finish taking out his aggression on Vlad Kozinkerov, the entire standoff was exacerbated as an out-of-breath Amazing Spider-Man writer Dan Slott rushed to the front of the crowd, scaled the barricade, and announced that he stood with Waid.
"Mark is right. Superman doesn't kill," Slott announced. "Never." When members of the crowd began to offer rebuttals, Slott simply responded that they were "blocked" and that he couldn't hear them, sticking his fingers into his ears and saying, "Na na na na."
At press time, local law enforcement had gathered outside the arena and were negotiating with Waid via loudspeaker, but the negotiations had taken a sour note when a police officer asked Waid about an incident in DC Comics involving a pocket universe. Our thoughts and prayers are with the hostages, and we hope that everyone makes it home unharmed.