Sunday, October 21, 2018 • Morning Edition • "We're so sorry, DC. Please take us back."


Written by Ali Jaffery the Hunk on Sunday, April 03 2016 and posted in News with Benefits


A little girl behind us sighed during the fight scene and the whole audience lost their shit in sympathy.

Source: Regal Cinemas

I went into this thinking, a nice change of pace, that I would not have enough to dissect in a two and a half hour film to stretch thirty posts. I no longer have fear. This movie is batshit insane and I want to you to take my hand as I take a walk through the same film differently over and over again for thirty days in a row.


Because they offered it and I want to know why.

The following post carries plot spoilers for the film.

This is Day Ten.


Batman brands people! What the fuck is happening? Why is Batman branding people?! We see Alfred come in to the Batcave with the day's newspaper asking himself like "What's up, dude? You doing ok?" So Alfred didn't know, and Alfred is in the Batcave all the damn time.

So that means this dildo waits for Alfred to go get groceries or fall asleep, sneaks downstairs to his Mangcave, and under the cover of darkness fashions himself a batshaped branding iron. Look man, I'm sorry you lost your parents. That's terrible. I'm sorry for your loss. I know you keep visiting symbols of them, like, every other scene. No person should ever lose their parents at such a young age. But when you start doing weird shit behind your stupid, sexy butler's back that ape behaviors of several serial killers, I lose my sympathy.

Then we see shirtless Clark in the kitchen hearing the news about a bat branding Batman. His face shows concern, but like is he reeeeeeeeeeally upset? Dude destroyed a city and just caused the deaths of a whole village (or did he?) But what bothers me the most is the cheapest tease of sweet, sweet Man of Steel buns. Just a quick glimse, and they're gone. Like many of the subplots of this film. Shameless.

We hear the news say that the bat brand is a death sentence in prison. Why? It's an involuntary flesh blemish. Whose killing them? Cops? Other prisoners? Cause I gotta say, most prisoners there probably have been captured by the bat, ergo, have a bat brand. Cops in Gotham are so spooked, we see Shaggy trying blasting batman thrice and his own partner in the face. Seems getting branded is better than just having you face shot off.

This also means that Bruce Wayne is actively sending these people to die. How bad of a crime do you have to commit for one man to send you to death? Would Bruce brand stupid, sexy Alfred if he caught him with a spliff in the burned down Wayne Manor or only when he later that night catches stupid, sexy Alfred dropping molly at a rave he threw in said burned down Wayne Manor? Does Superman narc on people? No, he listens to Pearl Jam, he's cool.

These are who I'm supposed to invest in emotionally? Why the fuck do I care about these characters? Joyless, enraptured with self propelling hypocrisy, with nothing but the worst parental supports in the world.

Wait a minute. Hold the phone. Yes even you, greyed out generation xer writing a think piece about millenials. I've been tracking Ben Affleck's mole patterns for over a week now, paying attention to movements and alignments. Stupid, Ali. Stupid. Stupid. I needed to take a step back from this picture. It is much simpler now. It's the mole (or moles) itself that Warner Brothers wanted me to see. Someone has tinkered with this film. The cuts. The color. The stupid thud noise Clark Kent's chest makes when Lex taps it. Someone fucked with his movie. There's a saboteur. There's a manipulator. There's a mole. I need to get to the bottom of this. Join me tomorrow to hear about my eleventh viewing of Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.




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