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RUMOR: Tessa Thompson to Play Valkyrie in Thor: Ragnarok

Written by El Presidente on Thursday, April 14 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

RUMOR: Tessa Thompson to Play Valkyrie in Thor: Ragnarok

Get the scoop on this news from the internet's number one Latino-themed Hollywood gossip column!


Source: Latino-Review

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the landing skid of a helicopter flying over a Bernie Sanders rally.

Today, I have brought my extra large shovel, because I have got a massive scoop for you! According to that poseur Kellvin Chavez at Latino-Review, the role that Tessa Thompson is playing in Thor: Raganarok is none other than Valkyrie, the Asgardian warrior chosen to lead the Valkyrior, a team of women whose job is to bring fallen warriors to the halls of Vahalla, a bowling alley in the Asgardian afterlife that offers bottomless pitchers of cheap domestic beer and half-off shoe-rentals.

Comrades, this is a big deal! In the comics, Valkyrie is a white woman, so the casting of a mixed-race actor to play her is certain to rankle certain segments of the internet population. I'm not going to say that those segments consist of butthurt racists, but if the jackboot fits and the ass cream is soothing... well, you can figure it out. Haw haw haw!

My friends, I think that Tessa Thompson is a great choice to play Valkyrie. Che Guevara was from Argentina, but he fought bravely alongside your El Presidente in the Cuban revolution, so I've learned that a person's ancestry doesn't matter, as long as they do a good job. I'm excited to see Tessa's performance in the film, and I hope it does for her career what appearing as my sidekick in the revolution did for my little buddy Che. Just as long as she doesn't end up suffering the same fate he did. Stay out of Bolivia, is what I'm saying, Tessa.

Of course, while this news ended up on Latino-Review, that's only because your government has still not lifted the the trade embargoes that block my superior Latino-themed comic book movie rumor website, Cubano-Review, from appearing in your capitalist Google searches. I had the scoop first of course, but hey, let Kellvin take all the credit. He really needs it now that no one reads his site anymore since El Mayimbe left.





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About the Author - El Presidente


El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.

 


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