In anticipation of a live blog on Thursday, April 28 at 4PM that will allow fans to chat with Captain America: Steve Rogers writer Nick Spencer about the upcoming series that sees the return of a de-aged Steve Rogers to the iconic role, Marvel Comics has purchased and installed an electroshock therapy machine in its offices. According to reports, Spencer will have diodes from the machine attached to "some of the most sensitive parts of his body" in order to deter him from using the live blog to talk about Hillary Clinton's rightful place as the Democratic presidential nominee and the arrogance of Bernie Sanders for not dropping out of the race, despite losing four of five primaries by a wide margin last night and trailing clinton by hundreds of delegates in the polls.
For months, Spencer has tweeted nonstop about Clinton, leaving his employers to worry about his stability and hire a backup creative team for one of his books. With Captain America: Steve Rogers launching to coincide with the release of the blockbuster film, Captain America: Civil War, however, Marvel needs Spencer to stay on message about the comic for a brief web chat. Unsure of his abilities to handle this on his own, the company has a backup plan to keep him in line. Whenever Spencer attempts to lecture fans about politics, according to Marvel Vice President Tom Brevoort, the writer will receive a shock from the machine.
"I understand that this is about Steve Rogers, and I should leave Hillary Clinton out of it," said Spencer during a test run of the device on Wednesday. "Even though, if you think about, the ideals that Hillary embodies are really quite similar to the--"
"OOWWWW!" yelped Spencer as Brevoort slammed his fist on a large red button and 10,000 volts of electricity surged through Spencer's nipples.
"I'm sorry," Spencer said. "I didn't mean to do that. Let's just talk about Steve, okay?"
"Alright," said Brevoort, skeptical.
"So now that Steve has returned to his young age and vitality, he's getting back into the suit and he's going to be Captain America again," Spencer said, eyes darting around nervously as beads of sweat formed on his forehead. "Obviously, while he was drained of the super soldier serum and showing his true age, he couldn't be Captain America."
"The symbol of everything America stands for can't be a really old guy," Spencer continued as Brevoort eyed him suspiciously and moved his hand near the red button. "Just like Bernie Sanders! Drop out of the race, Bernie! Your time has--"
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOWOWOWOW!" Spencer shouted as Brevoort shocked him again.
"Okay, okay, that was wrong. I'm sorry," Spencer apologized as he inched his chair closer to Brevoort. "I just feel really passionate about this, and I get carried away sometimes. From now on, no more political talk. Let's keep this strictly about comics. Okay?"
"Okay," Brevoort replied.
Suddenly, Spencer leapt from his chair and shoved Brevoort, causing the executive to weeble-wobble in his chair before falling over.
"Hillary is the next president of the United States! She fights for us!" Spencer quickly yelled. "Only Hillary has the skills and experience to lead this country into the future!"
Brevoort scrambled to his feet and lunged for the button as Spencer continued.
"Vote for Hillary! Hillary Clinton is the best!" Spencer began to sing. "This is my fight song! Take back my life song! Prove I'm alright sooooong-OWWWW!"
Brevoort shocked Spencer relentlessly, but Spencer was undeterred.
"My power's turned on! Starting - ZZZZZZOW - right now I'll be strong! I'll play my fight sooo-ooWWWWZZZZ!" smoke began to rise off of Spencer as his skin turned bright red. "And I don't really care if nobody else belieeeeeeee-ZZOOOOW! 'Cause I've still got - OWWW! - a lot of fight left in me!"
As several burly interns restrained Spencer and dragged him out of the room, Brevoort frowned. "I guess we have some kinks to work out in this thing," he admitted.
Tune in tomorrow to see if Marvel has gotten Spencer under control. But if you get to ask a question, do Tom a favor and try not to mention the "B" word, okay? We mean "Bernie," not "Benghazi." But don't mention that one either. Thanks.