BURLINGTON, VT – In a surprise move after failing to capture the Democratic nomination for President of the United States of America, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) announced he is using the remaining $9.2 million USD (as of June 22, 2016) in cash on hand from his presidential campaign to purchase DC Comics from Time Warner.
"I wanted a company that was founded on the same principles as America and has characters who represent what America represents," Sanders said via e-mail to The Outhousers. "Superman is a great story of an immigrant who was raised by a hard-working, middle class family from Kansas to become a positive contributor to society. When Wonder Woman—another inspiring immigration story—came to America, she adopted American values, even going so far as to design her outfit around our flag, showing the world the strength that we here in America are capable of."
When asked about how Batman's strong libertarian philosophy and status as a member of the 1% in addition to Superman's having entered the country illegally could affect his view of the company and motivation for purchasing it, he replied, "As you know, I support a path to citizenship for hard-working immigrants and their families as well as imposing a tax of a small part of one percent on Wall Street speculators to make all public colleges and universities *hand gestures* tuition *more hand gestures* free just like they were before the Vietnam War and like they were in great state of California until the 1980's. We will show that across our publishing line."
As part of the initial statement, he announced company-wide ratification of the Comic Book Creators Guild Recommended Payment Rates of May 15, 1978, adjusted for inflation. When asked how he would pay for that, he said that he would "promote comics reading programs in schools across America among youth who are the future of our country" so they would be more likely to buy comics in higher volume in the future. Announced as part of education initiative was that no books would double-ship and that all books would see their prices rise to $3.29. In addition, there will be a company-wide minimum wage of $15-an-hour.
Sanders also announced a mandate to have all jobs within the company be gender-balanced, including editorial and upper management. The same policy will also apply to freelance hiring practices.
Replacing outgoing co-publishers Dan DiDio and Jim Lee will be Jeff Weaver, Sanders' campaign manager and owner of Victory Comics in Falls Church, Virginia, a man claimed to make miracles happen with no money.
In unrelated news, Donald Trump announced at a recent campaign event in nearby Shelburne that he wants to build a sphere around the United States so no one who is not already in America can get in or out of America.
"Under the Dome? That was a good book. Great book. That Stephen King really, really showed the world what American communities can do when they band together like that to support each other. The best," Trump said at a recent press conference when told by a reporter it was literally the dumbest idea they had ever heard.