When a new Ghostbusters movie starring an all-female cast was announced, we were totally on board, if skeptical it would ever actually get made after years of Dan Aykroyd lying about it happening. When idiots responded to the gender-switch of the cast with sexist rants, we were all about calling them out. We've fully supported this film since its inception, and we totally stand behind that.
Why? Well, because it's the right thing to do, of course. There's absolutely no legitimate reason why casting four talented women in roles once played by four talented men can't result in a great movie and a fitting tribute to the original masterpiece, unless you're sexist moron. But we have to admit... we also had an ulterior motive: Ecto Cooler.
That's right, we're talking about the beloved, neon green, vaguely citrusy Hi-C punch flavor that was a staple of our childhood, and which we continued to purchase well into the late 1990s and early 2000s, when it was renamed "Shoutin' Orange Tangerine" but still retained its delicious flavor and unabashedly carcinogenic color, until they stopped making it altogether. With the cult popularity of the discontinued flavor, along with a new Ghostbusters film, we were sure that this would result in, at the very least, a limited return of the tantalizing nectar.
And we were right. In February, it was revealed that Ecto Cooler would return to stores in May to promote the new film, and, as far as we were concerned, all was right with the world. But it's now July, and we haven't, personally, gotten any of this Ecto Cooler for ourselves. Why?
Well, on online retailers like Amazon, it's constantly sold out. None of the stores listed on the product's web page exist in our area. As a result, in a cruel, cruel twist of fate, this reporter has watched friends (or perhaps, now, former friends) in other states posting photos to social media of fully stocked Ecto Cooler displays in their glorious Shop Rites while we can only dream of tasting the elusive (less than 1%) juice while walking past sad, pathetic shelves full of "Orange," "Fruit Punch," and "Grape" at our local Krogers. Truly, life is simply not fair.
Readers, ol' Jude Terror doesn't ask for much. Day in and day out, we write snarky articles about comics on this very website, purely for the pleasure of making you laugh, never asking anything in return.
But today that changes.
Because if I don't get my fucking hands on some Ecto Cooler before they stop making it again, I swear to fucking god, this will be my supervillain origin story, and the world will feel the wrath, the god damn unholy wrath, of a fat blogger with a nostalgic sweet tooth and no access to any god damn motherfucking Hi-C Ecto Cooler.
So I ask you, dear readers. Does your local supermarket sell Ecto Cooler? If they do, I beseech you, purchase some for your pal Jude Terror, and then get in touch with me and send it to me. I'm not asking for much. I simply must experience the unbridled joy of consuming Ghostbusters-branded citrus drink from an environment-destroying non-biodegradable cardboard juice box once more, after waiting fifteen years. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
The alternative will not be pretty. That's not a threat. It's a simple statement of fact. I need Ecto Cooler. Please, please give me some Ecto Cooler.
Also, here's a new trailer featuring the new Slimer, the former mascot of this beloved brand of wonderful juice drink, whose translucent green texture only conjures up memories of the delectable beverage itself, and whose ghostly nature serves to remind me of my futile quest to obtain it before it disappears into the ether once more.
Ghostbusters hits theaters next week. If I have not obtained Ecto Cooler by that time, there will be hell to pay. Hell. To. Pay.