Wednesday, June 3, 2020 • R.I.P. Edition • Guest-starring Wolverine's cold, dead corpse!

REPORT: Nick Spencer Catatonic After Valiant Secures Clinton Cameo

Written by Jude Terror on Monday, July 18 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

REPORT: Nick Spencer Catatonic After Valiant Secures Clinton Cameo

The political commentator and part time Marvel Comics writer was shocked and saddened that his beloved Hillary chose a different comic company to appear in.

Source: Press Release

Captain America writer Nick Spencer was taken to a local hospital this morning after falling into a catatonic state when learning that Hillary Clinton would cameo in Valiant Entertainment's Faith #5 this November. Spencer, who devotes upwards of twenty-six hours per day to tweeting about how Clinton must be the next president of the United States, was dismayed to learn that Clinton wouldn't be appearing in one of his Marvel Comics, despite the writer literally devoting his life to supporting the candidate on social media for the past year. Instead, Clinton will appear in a special election story in the ongoing comic written by comics legend Louise Simonson with art by Harvey Award-nominated artist Pere Perez. The 48 page comic will also feature a story by regular series writer Jody Houser and new series artists Meghan Hetrick and Marguerite Sauvage, as well as an EXXXCLUSIVE preview of Harbinger Renegades #1 by Rafer Roberts and Colleen Doran. From the press release:

In advance of San Diego Comic-Con 2016, Valiant is proud to announce that Hillary Clinton, the Democratic Party's presumptive nominee for President of the United States, will join forces with Faith "Zephyr" Herbert on November 2nd in FAITH #5 – a history-making, 48-page election special teaming the leading female hero in comics today with the first female nominee from a major political party for a special tale written by comics legend Louise Simonson with art by FAITH's own Pere Perez!

On November 2nd, just days before Election Day 2016, legendary writer Louise Simonson and Harvey Award-nominated artist Pere Perez present history in the making with a presidential milestone like no other! Faith Herbert, star of the highest selling independent superhero debut of 2016, is a shining beacon of optimism in a challenging world. Her day job as a blogger and journalist is about to bring Faith face to face with Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton...but it's her daring alter ego as Los Angeles' leading superhero that will have to save the day when a new threat emerges to imperil a pivotal moment that has all of America watching!


The press release goes on to note that although Valiant's staff has not tweeted about Clinton "to the same extent as a certain well known superhero comics writer," that doesn't mean they're less enthusiastic about her teaming up with one of their top heroes in the upcoming comic. The company also cited its "alleged" experience in vote-rigging as a potential last resort for the candidate to save America from total destruction "should things get sticky with Donald Trump." The Clinton campaign has publicly refused this offer and condemned Valiant for even suggesting it, but hinted that it wouldn't be against a Harvey Award nomination for Clinton next year, if the publisher is feeling generous.

Spencer is currently in stable condition, and has even begun responding to stimuli by rapidly tapping his fingers in what doctors at first believed to be some kind of "morse code," but actually turned out to be reflexive hand movements attempting to access the Twitter app on a cell phone. By placing a phone into the hands of the catatonic Spencer, doctors have been able to communicate with him, though his responses give little insight into the nature of his condition. "We asked him how he was feeling," revealed chief surgeon Dr. Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, "and he responded, 'Donald Trump cannot be POTUS. Vote Hillary 2016. #StopTrump,' which was remarkable for a person in a catatonic state, but really didn't provide any information about his physical well being."

According to Puffinbottoms, Spencer is not only expected to make a full recovery, but is actually tweeting at an even greater volume than he was while fully awake, thanks to feeding tubes and catheters preventing him from needing to take any breaks from social media. "I was giving the patient a sponge-bath earlier, and I tried to get him to release the phone, but his grip was unbreakable," a nurse at the hospital where Spencer is staying told The Outhouse. "It was the strangest thing."

During the time he was receiving the sponge bath, Spencer reportedly tweeted, "Bernie Bro nurse trying to make me stop tweeting. Give it up. #YouLost," so it's clear that Spencer is aware of his surroundings, even if he pays them no mind in favor of tweeting incessantly about Clinton, day and night, like some kind of superhuman tweeting machine.

At press time, doctors had given up on trying to wake Spencer before the election, and have instead devoted all resources to keeping his phone charged so he can continue his nonstop barrage of political tweets interspersed with random tweets claiming people "don't know how comics work." Faith #5, a special 48 page is, is out on November 2nd, just before election day.

The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author of said content. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!