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SDCC EXXXCLUSIVE: Marvel Announces Next Big Super-Mega-Crossover Event, Future Plans

Written by Jude Terror on Friday, July 22 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

SDCC EXXXCLUSIVE: Marvel Announces Next Big Super-Mega-Crossover Event, Future Plans

We've got an EXXXCLUSIVE interview with a top Marvel executive to tell us all about it.


Source: CBR

IN THE DARKEST DEPTHS OF THE DARKEST BOWELS OF THE DEEPEST SPACE LIES THE DOMAIN OF A BEING SO INCOMPREHENSIBLE, ATTENDEES OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION THAT NOMINATED DONALD TRUMP WOULD BE LIKE, "DAMN, THAT'S INCOMPREHENSIBLE." ONLY THE BRAVEST OF COMIC BOOK JOURNALISTS WOULD DARE TO JOURNEY TO THIS REALM, SEEKING AUDIENCE WITH THE MAN IN CHARGE OF MARVEL COMICS...

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EGOORT: WHO GOES THERE?!

Jude Terror: It's me, Heidi MacDonald, from Com--

EGOORT: EGOORT IS NO FOOL, JUDE TERROR. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I KNOW YOU'RE FROM THE OUTHOUSERS.

Jude Terror: Oh, I--

EGOORT: YOU COME TO THE GALAXY OF EGOORT THE LIVING PLANET, CLAIM TO BE A COMICS JOURNALIST PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ, AND THEN ASK ME UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS ABOUT MARVEL'S RECORD AND BEHAVIOR.

Jude Terror: I was just trying to--

EGOORT: THEN EGOORT IS MEANT TO LOOK FOOLISH, WHILE YOU PUBLISH YOUR SNARKY ARTICLES AND LAUGH AT EGOORT.

Jude Terror: Well, when you put it...

EGOORT: NO MATTER. EGOORT HAS COME TO ENJOY OUR LITTLE CHATS. WE SHOULD MAKE THIS A REGULAR THING. WE SHALL CALL IT... EGOORT-IN-CHARGE.

Jude Terror: Large and in charge?

EGOORT: HE WHO LIVES IN SIZE 6XL GLASS T-SHIRTS SHOULDN'T THROW STONES.

Jude Terror: I'm sorry. You're right. I would love to make this an official publisher shill interview.

EGOORT (materializing a contract): THEN IT IS DONE. JUST SIGN HERE.

Jude Terror: What's this?

EGOORT: JUST SIGN IT.

Jude Terror: Okay.

OUR HERO WAS POWERLESS TO DENY THE PLANET'S REQUESTS. WHO IS HE WHEN COMPARED TO A BEING OF COSMIC SCALE AND GALACTIC GIRTH, A BEING AS UNDENIABLE AS...

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EGOORT: NOW ASK ME.

Jude Terror: What?

EGOORT: GO AHEAD. ASK ME A QUESTION.

Jude Terror: I see that Marvel has released another wave of Hip Hop variants, is--

EGOORT: NOT THAT QUESTION!

Jude Terror: No?

THE IRRITATED ORB WHISPERED TO JUDE TERROR. IN AWE OF THE PLANET'S MIGHTY MASS, AND LEGALLY BOUND BY THE FINE PRINT OF THE CONTRACT EGOORT FORCED HIM TO SIGN, TERROR WAS EASILY BROUGHT TO HEEL, AND SOON AGREED TO TREAT EGOORT WITH THE RESPECT AND AUTHORITY DUE THE SECOND MOST... WELL, TOP FIVE... TOP TEN FOR SURE... TWELFTH MOST POWERFUL EXECUTIVE AT A MAJOR COMIC BOOK PUBLISHER.

Jude Terror: So, Egoort... do I really have to say this? Okay. Here we go. Egoort, what about Marvel's plans for the rest of the year... excites you?

EGOORT: THANK YOU FOR ASKING. THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS I'M PARTICULARLY EXCITED ABOUT.

Jude Terror: Is that right?

EGOORT: YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT ENEMY OF THE STATE 2, MARVEL'S LATEST SEQUEL, BEGINNING IN ALL-NEW WOLVERINE #13 FROM TOM TAYLOR AND NIK VIRELLA.

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Jude Terror: I saw the headline on CBR, but when I clicked on it, I was bombarded with popup ads that crashed my computer.

EGOORT: ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?

Jude Terror: You're responsible for those ads?

EGOORT: OF COURSE WE ARE! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN HOW THIS WORKS IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A REGULAR WEEKLY COLUMN WITH THE FIFTEENTH MOST POWERFUL EXECUTIVE ON THE COMICS SIDE OF MARVEL.

Jude Terror: Teach me, oh wise one.

EGOORT: EGOORT SHALL EXPLAIN WITH AN INFOGRAPHIC.

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Jude Terror: That's very enlightening.

EGOORT: ENEMY OF THE STATE 2 IS THE NEXT IN OUR NEW FRANCHISE OF FRANCHISING PREVIOUS STORYLINES.

Jude Terror: What?

EGOORT: FIRST, WE HAD CIVIL WAR 2. IT WAS THE TENTPOLE SUPER-MEGA-CROSSOVER EVENT TO LAUNCH A NEW SHARED UNIVERSE OF SEQUELS AND REMAKES TO PREVIOUS POPULAR MARVEL STORIES, IN ORDER TO INCREASE THE SYNERGY OF OUR CORE IP BRANDS.

Jude Terror: You're just saying a lot of unnecessary, trendy words.

EGOORT: WE'RE RIPPING OFF ALL OUR OLD STORIES NOW AFTER CIVIL WAR 2. I'M SUPER EXCITED.

Jude Terror: Why didn't you just say that in the first place?

EGOORT: IT'S AN EXCITING, BRAND NEW CHAPTER IN WOLVERINE'S STORY, WHICH IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS A PREVIOUS CHAPTER IN WOLVERINE'S STORY.

Jude Terror: That makes perfect sense.

EGOORT: AND WE'RE NOT DONE THERE. THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

Jude Terror: Go on.

EGOORT: WE'VE GOT CLONE SAGA 2: DEAD NO MORE COMING UP IN THE SPIDER-MAN BOOKS. AND SUPERIOR SPIDER-MAN 2: DOCTOR DOOM IS IRON MAN. 

Jude Terror: Right.

EGOORT: DEATH OF X, WHICH RETELLS THE SAME CYCLOPS STORY WE'VE BEEN DOING OVER AND OVER FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS.

Jude Terror: What story is that?

EGOORT: THE ONE WHERE CYCLOPS IS A DICK. AND THEN, AND THIS IS AN EXXXCLUSIVE, OUTHOUSERS, WE'VE GOT EVEN MORE.

Jude Terror: Finally! An EXXXCLUSIVE!

EGOORT: HERE IS WHERE THESE PLANS REALLY COME TOGETHER. AFTER ALL OF THESE SEQUELS, WHAT WE'RE CALLING A SEASON OF SEQUELS, WE'RE GOING TO TIE IT ALL BACK IN TOGETHER WITH THE BIGGEST SUPER-MEGA-CROSSOVER EVENT SEQUEL OF ALL TIME: CIVIL WAR 2... 2.

Jude Terror: Civil War 2 2?

EGOORT: NO. CIVIL WAR 2... 2.

Jude Terror: Civil War 2 2.

EGOORT: YOU'RE NOT SAYING IT RIGHT.

Jude Terror: Let's just move on. What is Civil War 2... what is this sequel to a sequel about?

EGOORT: IN CIVIL WAR 2... 2, THE HEROES OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE ARE DIVIDED OVER AN IMPORTANT ISSUE THAT SERVES AS A HAM-FISTED, OVERSIMPLIFIED METAPHOR FOR THE PROBLEMS FACING THE REAL WORLD TODAY. A HERO WILL DIE, BUT NOT BEFORE A BLACK HEROE DIES TO LESS FANFARE A FEW WEEKS EARLIER. THE MARVEL UNIVERSE WILL BE SHAKEN TO ITS FOUNDATIONS, SHATTERED, PUT BACK TOGETHER WITH KRAZY GLUE AND GORILLA TAPE, SHATTERED AGAIN, AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!

Jude Terror: So basically, the same thing as the first Civil War and the second one?

EGOORT: YES. AND THEN, WHEN CIVIL WAR 2... 2 IS DONE, WE WILL REBOOT ALL OF OUR SEQUELS AND HAVE ANOTHER SEASON OF NEW SEQUELS TO OLD COMICS. X-MEN FOREVER 2 2, WRITTEN BY THE CORPSE OF CHRIS CLAREMONT. WORLD WAR II 2, IN WHICH WE REHASH MARVEL'S GOLDEN AGE STORIES, BUT WITH A NAZI CAPTAIN AMERICA. THE INFINITY GAUNTLET 36 BY JIM STARLIN. HONESTLY, THAT ONE WAS ON THE SCHEDULE ANYWAY, BUT IT FIT PERFECTLY WITH OUR INITIATIVE.

Jude Terror: Will any of these sequels have queer leads?

EGOORT: WELL, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE TODAY FOR EGOORT-IN-CHARGE.

Jude Terror: Wait--

AND SO, ONCE AGAIN, JUDE TERROR IS THWARTED BY THE QUICK WIT AND VOLUMINOUS EQUATOR OF THE TWENTY-EIGHTH MOST POPULAR MARVEL COMICS EXECUTIVE. SERIOUSLY, HE IS IN THE TOP 100. CHECK THE BLEEDING COOL POWER LIST. YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HIM. FOR HE IS...

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