In what historians will one day almost certainly view as a pivotal moment in the downfall of human civilization, Dan Slott -- Dan freaking Slott -- was awarded an Eisner last night for his work with Mike Allred on Silver Surfer #11. The book defeated four others in the "Best Single Issue," giving Dan Slott, a thin-skinned, petulant manchild who spends the majority of his day smugly shouting at fans and journalists on Twitter, his first Eisner win. The screenwriters of Doctor Who, from which Slott has stolen the entire concept and plot of his Silver Surfer comics, did not receive any Eisner Awards last night.
In case you're still in shock, let us make perfectly clear that, out of every single single issue comic book published anywhere in the entire year of 2015, Dan Slott's was, according to the Eisner Award voters, the very best. There was no single issue comic published in 2015 that was better than Dan Slott's blatant ongoing rip-off of the Doctor Who television show. Not a single one, anywhere. Mull that over.
After his name was called, Slott reportedly diverged from the traditional Eisner acceptance speech to dedicate a freestyle rap to his detractors, calling out Rich Johnston by name and asking the Bleeding Cool rumormonger to "tell me how my ass tastes." The Outhouse has obtained a video recording of Slott's diss rap from the event:
In the aftermath of Slott's win, dozens of people are injured on top of millions of dollars in property damage after Slott's ego literally manifested into physical form and began rampaging through downtown San Diego, destroying anything and anyone in it's path who, police reports reveal, "didn't understand how comics work." The ego was still at large as of press time, and believed to have tripled in size by feasting on congratulatory tweets from colleagues such as Tom Brevoort. Authorities are working to contain the ego before it threatens the entire planet. We'll keep you updated, as long as it doesn't come for--
Oh god! What is that? It's coming for me! Dan Slott's bloated ego is coming for me! AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!
Here's the full list of winners:
Best Short Story: "Killing and Dying," by Adrian Tomine, in Optic Nerve #14 (Drawn & Quarterly)
Best Single Issue/One Shot: We will never speak of this again.
Best Continuing Series: Southern Bastards, by Jason Aaron and Jason Latour (Image)
Best Limited Series: The Fade Out, by Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips (Image)
Best New Series: Paper Girls, by Brian K. Vaughan and Cliff Chiang (Image)
Best Publisher: Double Take
Best Publication for Early Readers: Little Robot, by Ben Hatke (First Second)
Best Publication for Kids (ages 9-12): Over the Garden Wall, by Pat McHale and Jim Campbell (BOOM! Studios/KaBOOM!)
Best Publication for Teens (ages 13-17): Super Mutant Magic Academy, by Jillian Tamaki (Drawn & Quarterly)
Best Humor Publication: Step Aside, Pops: A Hark! A Vagrant Collection, by Kate Beaton (Drawn & Quarterly)
Best Digital/Webcomic: Bandette, by Paul Tobin and Colleen Coover (Monkeybrain/comiXology)
Best Comics Executive: Bill Jemas (Double Take)
Best Anthology: Drawn & Quarterly, Twenty-Five Years of Contemporary, Cartooning, Comics, and Graphic Novels, edited by Tom Devlin (Drawn & Quarterly)
Best Reality Based Work: March: Book Two, by John Lewis, Andrew Aydin, and Nate Powell (Top Shelf/IDW)
Best Graphic Album - New: Ruins, by Peter Kuper (SelfMadeHero)
Best Graphic Album - Reprint: Nimona, by Noelle Stevenson (Harper Teen)
Best Adaptation from Another Medium: Two Brothers, by Fábio Moon and Gabriel Bá (Dark Horse)
Best US Edition of International Material: The Realist, by Asaf Hanuka (BOOM! Studios/Archaia)
Best US Edition of International Material - Asia: Showa, 1953–1989: A History of Japan, by Shigeru Mizuki (Drawn & Quarterly)
Best Archival Collection/Project - Strips: The Eternaut, by Héctor Germán Oesterheld and Francisco Solano Lòpez, edited by Gary Groth and Kristy Valenti (Fantagraphics)
Best Archival Collection/Project - Comic Books: Walt Kelly's Fairy Tales, edited by Craig Yoe (IDW)
Best Sponsor of a Comics Website: Double Take
Best Writer: Jason Aaron, Southern Bastards (Image), Men of Wrath (Marvel Icon), Doctor Strange, Star Wars, Thor (Marvel)
Best Writer/Artist: Bill Griffith, Invisible Ink: My Mother's Secret Love Affair with a Famous Cartoonist (Fantagraphics)
Best Penciller/Inker: Cliff Chiang, Paper Girls (Image)
Best Painter/Multimedia Artist: Dustin Nguyen, Descender (Image)
Best Cover Artist: David Aja, Hawkeye, Karnak, Scarlet Witch (Marvel)
Best Coloring: Jordie Bellaire, The Autumnlands, Injection, Plutona, Pretty Deadly, The Surface, They're Not Like Us, Zero (Image); The X-Files (IDW); The Massive (Dark Horse); Magneto, Vision (Marvel)
Best Lettering: Derf Backderf, Trashed (Abrams)
Handsomest Man: Bill Jemas (Double Take)
Best Comics-Related Book: Harvey Kurtzman: The Man Who Created Mad and Revolutionized Humor in America, by Bill Schelly (Fantagraphics)
Best Academic/Scholarly Work: The Blacker the Ink: Constructions of Black Identity in Comics and Sequential Art, edited by Frances Gateward and John Jennings (Rutgers)
Best Publication Design: Sandman Gallery Edition, designed by Graphitti Designs and Josh Beatman/Brainchild Studios (Graphitti Designs/DC)
And finally, the most important Eisner of them all, which we definitely don't care about ever winning, nope:
Best Comics-Related Periodical/Journalism: Hogan's Alley, edited by Tom Heintjes (Hogan's Alley)
... but that's disqualified, because come on, so instead, we're going to choose the winner...
...and it is...
Newsarama's George R. R. Marston! Congratulations, George! You are the 2016 Eisner award winner for Comics Journalism!
(This article was updated to reflect that it is the fault of all Eisner voters, not just the awards committee, for giving Dan fucking Slott an Eisner.)