Last month, we reported on Lootcrate's Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt, which failed at its solitary purpose: keeping your fucking hand from burning as you touch hot things. Well, technically, Rich Johnston reported on it first on Bleeding Cool, but it doesn't count if you're regularly paid money by the company you're reporting on to write about them. In any case, Johnston is back on the case, urging readers to please, please destroy the mitts, because despite warnings, people are still using them, and still getting the shit burned out of their hands.
The glove, which is apparently constructed of liquid napalm encased in a coating of dry twigs and leaves and soaked in lighter fluid, has led to more than 240 reports of injury to the subscription box service. Lootcrate is offering to send people a free Simpsons t-shirt and keychain if they will only please fergodsake stop using the oven mitts, seriously, its not worth it, people. However, licensor Marvel Comics reportedly has some other ideas.
"I'm super excited to announce that Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt will be the next major villain in an upcoming Marvel super-mega-crossover event," revealed Marvel Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso in his weekly CBR verbal rimjob, Axel-in-Charge. "This blockbuster Marvel Comics event in Seven Parts (and Sixty-Five ancillary tie-ins for $5.99 each) will rock the Marvel Universe to its foundations, and ensure that nothing is ever the same again."
Alonso said that they started out only with the idea that the oven mitt would be the bad guy, and that the event would feature a major superhero death, which would be preceded by the death of a black superhero that gets far less attention. "To be fair though, that's more information than we usually start out with when we plan these things." Dennis Hopeless will write the event, with art by longtime Marvel house artist TBD.
"I've always wanted to take a crack at writing about the iconic Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt," lied Hopeless in a fluff interview on Newsarama. "If you look at the history of Marvel villains, I think you'll see that the Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt is up there with some of the most dangerous characters in Marvel history. Honestly, only Doctor Doom, Magneto, and maybe Wolverine have a higher body count than this deadly kitchen accessory."
At press time, Lootcrate was hastily sending out a recall notice for the Simpsons shirt it sent out to replace the oven mitt after learning that the shirts were constructed not from 100% cotton, ad advertised, but hundreds of live, poisonous spiders. If you received one of the shirts, we'd advise you not to put it on, but let's be honest here, you're probably dead already. We'll keep you updated.