New York - As the strangest July in recent memory came to a close, two unlikely events upstaged even the depressing circus of the American presidential election. First, there was the blooming of Amorphophallus Titanum, otherwise known as the Corpse Flower, a ten-foot-tall plant which blooms once a decade and emits a smell that is, as its name suggest, reminiscent of a rotting corpse. Perhaps even more unique, however, is the fact that DC beat Marvel in the monthly battle for comics market share.
According to lead researcher in the field of Comics Botany, Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, the processes of pollination that lead to both rare phenomena are remarkably similar.
"For A. Titanum, as the spathe gradually opens, the spadix releases powerful odors to attract pollinators, insects which feed on dead animals or lay their eggs in rotting meat," Professor Puffinbottoms explained. "The potency of the odor (aroma) gradually increases from late evening until the middle of the night, when carrion beetles and flesh flies are active as pollinators, then tapers off towards morning. Analyses of chemicals released by the spadix show the 'stench' includes dimethyl trisulfide (like limburger cheese), dimethyl disulfide,trimethylamine (rotting fish), isovaleric acid (sweaty socks), benzyl alcohol (sweet floral scent), phenol (like Chloraseptic), and indole (like human feces)."
"With DC Comics, a series of reboots, variant cover gimmicks, shocking character deaths, shocking character returns, super-mega-crossover events, and hype driven by comic book websites is used to attract comic book readers to whatever DC's line-wide publishing initiative is on any given month," the professor went on, pointing at several complex equations scrawled on a marker board. "Most often, DC is only able to attract about half of the comic book readers rival Marvel Comics is, because Marvel is using the same idiotic tactics, but more proficiently."
Once roughly every 7-10 years, however, just like the blossoming of the corpse flower, forces align, and DC is able to pull out a single monthly victory against Marvel, prompting lots of attention from the scientific community and vapid think-pieces from the comics media.
"There's really not much to read into it though," Puffinbottoms insisted. "Next month, Marvel will double ship a bunch of $5.99 books and put out a Gwenpool variant that retailers can only order if they buy a thousand copies of Old Man Wolverine #7, and the natural order will return, and DC will lose embarrassingly for another 119 months in a row, never once considering that the problems with their company run a lot deeper than anything that can be solved with a fancy new trade dress and the return of pre-52 Wally West."
At press time, the same people who have been in charge of DC for the past decade were still in power.