In an attempt to get more children interested in STEAM, Marvel will produce a series of variant covers featuring Marvel characters engaged with math and science for sale in November. The covers will grace at least five books, including Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur #13, Spider-Man #10, Champions #2, and Gwenpool #8, representing science, technology, art, and math, respectively. Engineering, according to a press release from Marvel, can go fuck itself. According to the report from Popular Science, the variant covers sprang fully formed into existence without any work required by any artist worth naming.
The idea for the variants came about when Marvel Vice President of Sales, David Gabriel, visited a local elementary school to try to get kids interested in his favorite hobby, toy trains. Gabriel spent hours setting up an elaborate model steam train display in Mrs. Shumacker's first grade classroom, but the students, spoiled by modern technological advancements like video games and the internet, were unimpressed with his presentation on nineteenth century rail travel.
"Check this out, kids!" shouted an excited Gabriel. "Look at the train go! Choo choo!"
"Uggggggghhhhhh," said one of the children, reportedly, as several others slumped over.
"This sucks, Mr. Gabriel!" shouted another. "Trains suck!"
"Trains do not suck!" Gabriel retorted, but by that time, he had already lost the crowd.
Based on his experience, Gabriel realized that, like other relics of bygone eras such as soda fountains or Erik Larsen, kids were never going to be as interested in steam locomotives as Gabriel's generation. However, that didn't mean Marvel couldn't turn a profit off of this, somehow.
"That's when I discovered STEAM," Gabriel explained at a press conference. "It stands for science, technology, engineering, art, and math, and it's something that everyone agrees children should be interested in. So we're going to put out STEAM-themed variant covers in November."
Asked how the variant covers would get kids interested in STEAM, when variant covers are rare and usually less affordable than regular comics, which themselves are too expensive for kids to collect in the first place, as well as the fact that many of Marvel's comics are inappropriate for children, Gabriel reiterated that children should be more interested in STEAM.
"Now then, if you'll turn your attention this way..." Gabriel beckoned, pulling a curtain to reveal an elaborate toy railroad featuring an HO Scale Prarie 2-6-2 Union Pacific steam locomotive. "Look at the detail on this thing! Choo choo! Choo choo!"
At press time, several reporters were in stable condition after passing out due to extreme boredom. We'll keep you updated on their condition. Look for Marvel's STEAM variants, or, well, STAM variants we guess, in stores in November.
