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EXXXCLUSIVE: Marvel Announces Next Big Super-Mega-Crossover Event That Totally Isn't Stolen From Porno

Written by Jude Terror on Thursday, August 25 2016 and posted in News with Benefits
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EXXXCLUSIVE: Marvel Announces Next Big Super-Mega-Crossover Event That Totally Isn't Stolen From Porno

You won't believe what Joe Quesada has come up with this time!!!



Attempting to garner positive publicity and distract from a scandal that saw the company steal the superhero name for its next-big-thing character, Riri Williams, from a Japanese Iron Man porn parody, Marvel Comics today announced their next big super-mega-crossover event: Cock Craving MILFs 7: Anal Odyssey. The idea, according to writer "The Great One" Brian Bendis, came from Marvel CCO Joe Quesada, who "just came up with the name out of nowhere." No word on a plot or what characters will be involved, but Bendis says the name is more than enough for him to get started on writing most of the dialog.

"I think the name of this super-mega-crossover event speaks for itself," said Bendis at a press conference for the event. "It's totally original, like nothing ever before in comics. I have no idea how Joe comes up with these ideas."

"Sometimes, inspiration just strikes me," said Quesada, who was shaking his arms violently in an attempt to dislodge some papers that had become stuck to his hands. "Inspiration comes, and it's like this explosion of creativity. It pounds me with ideas over and over and over and over again until I can't take it anymore and I just have to scream out, 'Oh god, oh god, let's make an event comic!' You know?"

According to Quesada, the creative muse first struck him around the time he hit puberty. "It started when I was about twelve years old, and I kept waking up to find that my bed was covered in inspiration," Quesada told the crowd of assembled reporters while kicking at a nearby dog who was trying to lick his hands. "It was as if these ideas shot out of me while I was sleeping. I couldn't even control it."

Luckily, Quesada found a place where he could channel that throbbing creative energy, as the CCO of the most massive, bulging comic book publisher in the world. "I'm seriously grateful to work for a company that lets me explore my ideas, rubbing my creative muscle raw," he revealed while turning on a projector screen hooked up to his laptop as if to show a power point presentation, then hastily switching it off after realizing his web browser with multiple tabs open was visible in the corner of the screen.

"Ignore that," Quesada ordered the press conference. "Nothing to see here."

Asked whether anyone at Marvel had checked Google to make sure the name wasn't already taken, Quesada scoffed. "I don't think that's really necessary."

At press time, Marvel had already announced seventeen tie-ins to the event, including Spider-Man: The Return of Doctor Cocktopus, Captain America: Inside the Secret Nazi Sex Bunker, and X-Men: Cuckoo Cuckolds. However, Bendis admitted that, in all honesty, readers probably won't need to read more than the first ten pages of the zero issue before reaching "completion" with the story. Look for these exciting new Marvel comics in stores next summer, though you may have to ask the shop owner to unlock the back room for you.





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