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Marvel to Release 52 State Variants for U.S. Avengers Because of Course They Are

Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, September 21 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

Marvel to Release 52 State Variants for U.S. Avengers Because of Course They Are

Well, that settles it, better order 500,000 copies of this one, retailers.

Source: Buzzfeed (but don't click it because it's buzzfeed)

Hi folks, Jude Terror here, reporting from Hong Kong this week where I can EXXXCLUSIVELY confirm that, yes, McDonalds Chicken McNuggets taste exactly the same as they do back in the USA. Speaking of American traditions, Marvel Comics has apparently announced plans to publish 52 variant covers for their upcoming U.S. Avengers series, each one featuring a different Avenger arbitrarily assigned to that state, because nothing says "Connecticut" like an ex-Russian super-spy.


Now, I've only been out of the country for a day now, and I'm pretty sure things haven't changed that drastically since I left. For instance, I see we had yet another police shooting of an unarmed black man while I was on my flight, so, yup, business as usual. So I feel comfortable asking: aren't there only 50 states?

Well, fear not, true believers. Marvel didn't want to be limited to just 50 variant covers, so they've also included U.S. territories such as Puerto Rico and Canada to reach the 52 number, though that does leave some other notable territories out of the mix.

"Fuck the District of Columbia," said Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso. "Fuck the District of Columbia in its fucking asshole."

Oh, well, okay then. Alonso also expressed an extreme dislike for other US territories including Guam, American Samoa, and the US Virgin Islands. "And especially Northern Mariana Islands," Alonso pointed out. "Seriously, fuck that place."

Asked whether stopping at 52 variants was a subtle dig at rival publisher DC Comics, which has recently beaten Marvel in market share for two months in a row, Alosno denied the charges. "Do you really think Marvel would be so petty?" Alonso asked, indignant. "On second thought, don't answer that."

With the announcement out of the way, it was time for Alonso and his crack team of editors to actually assign avengers to the 50 states, Canada, and Puerto Rico. "Captain America: Steve Rogers can be Delaware," Alonso suggested, since the state's lack of corporate tax laws symbolize everything America stands for. "Luke Cage is New York. Iron Man is California, because he claims to give a fuck about people, but he's actually just a rich narcissist. The Beast is Illinois, because just like that state, nobody likes The Beast. What else have we got, team?"

"Let's put Captain America: Sam Wilson in Maryland, because that's a state I know the name of," said Executive Editor Tom Brevoort.

"Oooh! I know the name of a state! Connecticut!" said editor Nick Lowe. "How about Black Widow?"

"Good, good," Alonso agreed. "What are some other states?"

"Uh..." said Brevoort.

"Did we do New York?" asked Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada. "How about New York City?"

"Is there an Old York?" wondered Alonso.

"Anyone want to get some Chicken McNuggets?" asked Brevoort. "I hear they taste just like they do in Hong Kong."

After several hours of brainstorming, the group was also able to add Indiana and Louisiana to the list, represented by The Winter Soldier and Spectrum, respectively. The company attempted to purchase an atlas to locate the rest of the 50 states, but nobody thought to pre-order one, so they're all canceled.

Looks like Marvel has their work cut out for them. Will this ridiculous gimmick be enough to boost sales and defeat DC? We'd like to say no, because comic fans are better than that and they're not going to fall for this "collect them all" nonsense, but, hahaha, who are we kidding, these are gonna sell like gangbusters. We'll keep you updated.



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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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