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REPORT: Australian Man's Penis Becomes Spider-Man Two Times

Written by Jude Terror on Sunday, October 02 2016 and posted in News with Benefits

REPORT: Australian Man's Penis Becomes Spider-Man Two Times

Look out, Marvel! There's an All-New, All-Different Spider-Man in the neighborhood (of Sydney).

Source: Live Science

If you thought unlucky New York nerd Peter Parker was a sympathetic character, wait until you meet "Jordan," last name withheld to protect his secret identity, a real-life Australian man who was bitten not once, but twice, by a radioactive spider... on his penis! According to a report from Live Science, the 21 year old was "attending a public science exhibit," an Aussie phrase meaning "taking a dump in a public restroom," in September, when he felt a familiar sting on his manhood. No, it wasn't the announcement of a Crocodile Dundee reboot with an all-female cast; it was a spider bite!

"Crikey!" Jordan said, recognizing the feeling because it's actually the second time this year that the exact same thing has happened to him in the exact same place. Like all Australians, Jordan has a knack for capturing dangerous live animals, so he retrieved the spider, which turned out to be a radioactive redback spider.


In Australia, all spiders, including the black-widow-related redback, are imbued with radioactivity after a 1987 referendum unanimously passed parliament declaring that the animals "simply aren't dangerous enough" on their own.

"Look at her, isn't she a beauty!" Jordan remarked as his penis swelled and pussed painfully, to the admiration of onlookers. Jordan revealed that, after the first spider bite, he found him imbued with the proportional speed, strength, and abilities of a spider, he selfishly attempted to use his new powers for personal gain, shirking the advice of his Uncle Ben, who was later killed by a rampaging crocodile after Jordan ignored an opportunity to stop the croc, believing it wasn't his problem.

"Uncle Ben always had a lot of wisdom, and he used to always tell me, 'with great power, comes great responsibilities,'" Jordan said of his beloved Uncle, for whose death he blames himself. "He was really good with words. He also once said, 'I come from a land down under. Where beer does flow and men chunder. Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder. You better run, you better take cover.'"

"He was actually the lead singer of the band Men at Work," Jordan added.

Following the death of his Uncle Ben, Jordan vowed to use his powers to help others, honoring his uncle's memory and atoning for his mistake. At least, until now.

"The second spider to bite me right on me 'steve irwin,' that one's just for me - right?" Jordan told The Outhouse. "I mean, I have to get somethin' out o' this."

At press time, Jordan was feeling a little queasy after eating a two-day old Vegemite sandwich, and the closest public restroom for miles was, of course, the one where he'd been bitten by a radioactive spider the last two times he used it. "Crikey, here we go again," Jordan remarked, unbuckling his trousers and preparing for the inevitable. We'll keep you updated.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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