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Fast Lane 2017 Results Cause Massive Plumbing Issues Across Country, US Sanitation Department Reports

Written by Zechs on Monday, March 06 2017 and posted in News with Benefits

Fast Lane 2017 Results Cause Massive Plumbing Issues Across Country, US Sanitation Department Reports

Due to the WWE PPV last night, the US Sanitation department is reporting horrible plumbing issues across the country due to casual viewers experiencing massive amounts of sickness and nausea from watching the event.

Last night, WWE Fast Lane 2017 aired and in a shocking turn of events, it flat out sucked. It sucked so badly, that the US Sanitation Department has recorded a record number of widespread plumbing issues across the US due to the unhealthy nature of the event. "We've never seen it so bad. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" A confused employee said before being told what transpired last night. "Wait, a part-time senior citizen beat Kevin Owens?! In how many seconds?! Wait, then that means-- Oh god. OH GOD!!! " The employee then experienced the rash of sickness and nausea commonly linked from watching the event. 

The spokesman for the US Sanitation Department, Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms from the privileged University of Thuganomics located in Suplex City, USA held a news conference, stating the degree of the rampant plumbing issues, "We should have seen this coming. But we thought we had time!" Puffinbottoms explained before weeping aloud. "Phillip Brooks broke a pipe bomb ago suggesting a widespread event explaining this all six years ago. SIX YEARS! How were we supposed to know Vince McMahon is getting horribly worse in his old age. Destroying younger talent for his strong fetishes for big sweaty men in the ring together. Oh, DEAR! That means Lesnar is gonna--" The conference abruptly then ended as Puffinbottoms made a rush to the men's restroom due to experiencing a rush of sudden nausea.  

It seems the only people not affected at all by the event were those of New Japan Pro Wrestling who had this to say about the event:


Clearly, those fans in Japan have strong stomachs indeed. 

The last recorded time a US "sports entertainment" event caused this rampant of making viewers experience horrible sickness and nausea hasn't been seen since "ECW" (given it was really owned by WWE and the company was just a husk) 2006's pay-per-view December to Dismember. The PPV was considered so awful and distasteful that the US State Department has listed it as a Weapon of Mass Destruction to be used on any enemy of the USA if needed. 

As for a timetable for possible recovery, the US Sanitation Department stressed that any viewer who watched the RAW PPV do not watch RAW tonight. Even if Mr. Brooks name will be no doubt chanted loudly numerous times tonight. But as always, Mr. McMahon will ignore the crowd, because fuck them. You're gonna get Roman Reigns and you're gonna love him when he defeats the Undertaker at the next Wrestlemania next month! 



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About the Author - Zechs

Zechs is the lord and master of The Toy Shed, Moment of the Week, and Durnkin Reveewz. He's also the official whuppin boy at the Outhouse. So he'll get stuck seeing stuff that no mere mortal should ever see. If there's any greater quality to Zechs, it's that he's an avid fan of comic book characters and would defend them to the bitter end against the companies that use them wrongly. He's also brutally honest. Zechs walks the lonely path in Chicagoland area.


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