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Uh Oh! Indiana Jones Quadrilogy Getting Remastered for Blu-Ray!

Written by Jude Terror on Tuesday, June 26 2012 and posted in News with Benefits
Uh Oh! Indiana Jones Quadrilogy Getting Remastered for Blu-Ray!

The Indiana Jones movies are getting a deluxe frame-by-frame restoration for Blu-Ray release!

For the upcoming Indiana Jones: The Complete Adventures box set due out this September, all four movies will be getting deluxe restoration treatment. The films will be released in full 1080p HD with 5.1 DTS HD sound, anti-lock brakes, and Italian leather interior, and the original negatives are being captured frame-by-frame to restore any damaged footage. For at least Raiders of the Lost Ark, the original 1981 sound mix is being remastered as well to improve dialog clarity.

All of this sounds like great news for fans of the first three movies and reluctant acceptors of the fourth. There's one problem, however. Both George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are unable to touch one of their old movies without ruining it by changing things through the magic of CGI.

"I really felt there were some things missing from my original vision," said George Lucas, an idiot, in this article, but not in real life because we made it up. "For instance, it always bothered me when Indy pulled out a gun and shot the Arab swordsman in Raiders. What kind of message does that send to children? So in the new version, the Arab swordsman shoots first."

Lucas and Spielberg don't stop there. Just like in his 1982 masterpiece ET: The Extra Terrestrial, Spielberg will be replacing the guns of all Nazis with walkie-talkies. In fact, the Nazis themselves may be out of the picture entirely. "Nazis are kind of a touchy subject nowadays," said Spielberg in the same imaginary conversation we had with Lucas. We really should seek psychological help. "As a result, we decided to replace them with Russians in the film. But then we thought, 'the Russians are our friends now. It shouldn't be Russians,' so we replaced the Russians with Arabs. But that implies that we think all Arabs are terrorists, and we can't have that, so we took out the Arabs and put in space aliens. But then, what about the space alien demographic? By this point, we had used up our entire CGI budget. Luckily, a friend of mine, Mel Gibson, was willing to throw in some cash to get the job done, so now in every movie, Indiana Jones fights only CGI Jews. Damn, dirty, CGI Jews."

Here are some of the other things that will be digitally altered in the film:

  • Shia Lebeouf will be digitally imposed over Short Round in Temple of Doom.
  • Short Round will be digitally imposed over Shia Lebeouf in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
  • A refridgerator will be digitally imposed over the raft Indie uses to fall from the sky and ride down a mountain in Temple of Doom.
  • Kate Capshaw's image will be digitally imposed over Karren Allen's image in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
  • The sound of a dental drill will be digitally imposed over Kate Capshaw's dialog in Temple of Doom, because it is considered to be less irritating.
  • A CGI dog will be digitally imposed into The Last Crusade to reinforce Sean Connery's joke that "the dog's name was Indy."
  • The phrase "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" will be digitally imposed onto the lips of every longtime fan who purchases these movies only to find they've been ruined by unnecessary tampering by out of touch filmmakers.

The set will be released on September 19th for $99, and, according to Lucas, anyone who wants a Blu-Ray set of the original versions can "come and get them over my dead body."

Uh Oh! Indiana Jones Quadrilogy Getting Remastered for Blu-Ray!

Source: MTV Geek
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror

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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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