Whatcha Gonna Do, Brother, When Alimony Payments Run Wild Over You?!
Hulk Hogan will be opening a retail store in Florida to sell Hulkster merchandise and other crap no one has wanted since 1992 in an effort to avoid bankruptcy after his divorce. As well as selling brand new merchandise, the store will serve as a museum for memorabilia from the geriatric wrestler's personal collection. Hulk and other past-their-prime wrestlers such as Virgil, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, the Nasty Boys, and other members of the NWO B-Team will make personal appearances at the shop as well.
The biggest seller at the store is expected to be friendship bracelets and other jewelry woven out of the seemingly unlimited supply of Hulk's own hair that grows in a thin ring around the bottom of his scalp. Hogan will remove the ball roots to avoid any unauthorized cloning, and the jewelry will appeal to liberals and other suckers, as human hair is environmentally friendly.
"I really need the money, brother," said Hulk in a statement we want to firmly point out is entirely made up by us, due to the very real possiblity he is desperate enough to sue us. "Linda took all of it dude. I thought she was a respectable chick, like Miss Elizabeth, but she turned out to be a no-good strumpet like Scary Sherri, brother."
Hogan has suffered on the financial front for several years now, beginning with a misguided attempt to fund his mannish daughter's unsuccesful singing career, followed up by his dickhead son's murderous vehicular rampage, and ending with his gold-digging wife leaving him to sleep with 19 year olds while living off the money made from decades of the abuse Hulk put his steroid-addled body through. Hogan was reportedly offered a way out of his troublesome situation by former rival Ted "Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, but was unwilling to become the unscrupulous wrestler turned born again Christian's personal manservant in return.
"He'll come around," said DiBiase, smirking. "Everybody has a price."
Dibiase's theme music then began playing as he backed away, which was odd, because the conversation was occuring entirely in this reporter's imagination.
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror