Friends, family, and internet fanboys are likely very concerned after hearing of shocking remarks made by Eastman at San Diego Comic Con.
In an interview with MTV, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman referred to the upcoming Michael Bay TMNT movie as "easily the best Turtles movie yet." Bay's Turtles, which has thus far only been loosely described in interviews, is widely known to be a complete abomination that rapes the childhoods of anyone who has ever read TMNT comics, watched a TMNT cartoon, played with TMNT toys, or owned a pet turtle. The Bay adaptation has been confirmed to change the core concept of the characters from "turtles who are mutated into humanoid teenagers and learn ninjitsu" into "turtles who are aliens and blow stuff up spectacularly."
The clearly deranged and disoriented Eastman went on to describe the movie's "greatness," saying, "we're talking Raid: Redemption-style fight scenes; we're talking about epic Rise of the Planet of the Apes sort of effects." The Outhouse can only presume that Eastman, traumatized by Bay's adaptation, has created a fantasy world in which the movie isn't a horrendous affront against all things good and decent. Much like events in the movie Sucker Punch, Eastman followed up his remarks by shooting zombie Nazis in the head while wearing a corset.
In addition to the disturbing comments above, Eastman denied that Paramount's decision to push the movie back from a December 2013 release to May 2014 had anything to do with the studio's unhappiness with the film, instead claiming that the release was meant to coincide with the Turtles' 30th anniversary, which may indicate that, in addition to being completely insane, the legendary creator may also be a pathological liar.
When asked for a comment, Bay pulled out a condom, unbuckled his pants, and leered menacingly at this reporter's childhood, forcing me to flee in terror. The Outhouse will keep Eastman and his family in its thoughts over the coming days, and we sincerely hope that Eastman is able to get the help the needs, and that high-ranking government officials recognize the devastating potential of Bay's TMNT film and spirit it away to a secret government weapons research facility and out of the public's eyes before it's too late.
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror