In Soviet Russia, Khodchenkova Viper You!
Comrades, it appears that Sventlana Khodchenkova may be playing role of Viper in upcoming American Hollywood film, The Wolverine. Khodchenkova replaces American harlot, Jessica Biel, whose mild looks and inferior acting skills pale in comparison to great Russian beauty Svetlana. Fox must have been disappointed when Biel turned down role of Viper in Wolverine sequel, but everyone in movie business understands desire to go into deep isolation with nice bottle of vodka after Total Recall remake, sure to be worse disaster than Chernobyl, hits movie theaters in few weeks.
Khodchenkova is fine replacement, however. Resume is sturdy, like Berlin Wall, and beauty is almost as vast as Siberian expanse. To catch even single glimpse of Khodchenkova's beauty, we would gladly put on babooshkas and Soviet emblem fur hats and wait out in bitter Russian cold for days and days, just like ancestors did in Patriotic War of 1812 when Napoleon and weakling French army failed to capture glorious Russian motherland. Simply speaking, her acting is untouchable, much like 1980 Soviet hockey team, and her addition to cast would make movie true world power.
Svetlana is not yet confirmed for role, but she can not say "Da!" soon enough for us, and surely such news would be welcome by unworthy Cossacks everywhere! At this point, decision not to go with Khodchenkova for role would be as foolish as decision of Admiral Kolshak to side against October revolution, and Fox studio executives should meet same fate in front of firing squad if this news does not pan out.
Stay tuned to Outhouse for further developments.
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror