Tuesday, March 3, 2015 • Midnight Edition • "This is not rocket science, people. Get a grip."

Satire

Did you bother to look at the tags before assuming this crazy story was straight news?
DC Makes White Character Black Right Before St. Patrick's Day

DC Makes White Character Black Right Before St. Patrick's Day

Pale white people were either offended or drunk because of the change.

Miami Heat Jersey Debacle Opens New Avenues for Avoiding Responsibility

Miami Heat Jersey Debacle Opens New Avenues for Avoiding Responsibility

After Lebron James blamed Jerseys for a 111-87 loss against the San Antonio Spurs, the entire comic industry is trying to use the excuse.

Andrew Garfield Storms Out of Oscars After Discovering Batkid Has Stolen Job, Popularity, Girlfriend

Andrew Garfield Storms Out of Oscars After Discovering Batkid Has Stolen Job, Popularity, Girlfriend

The actor was upset to learn that a five year old was more of a superhero than he was.

Top Five Suspects in comiXology Password Hacking

Top Five Suspects in comiXology Password Hacking

The digital comics purveyor is requiring users to change passwords after they were stolen by hackers.

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to be Double Canceled After Hitting New Ratings Low

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to be Double Canceled After Hitting New Ratings Low

Tuesday's episode scored the lowest rating in the history of the show.

Dan Didio Reaches Career Milestone with Release of Forever Evil #6 [SPOILERS]

Dan Didio Reaches Career Milestone with Release of Forever Evil #6 [SPOILERS]

Spoilers for the just released issue follow within.

Unborn Fetus Cast in Major Role for Avengers 2

Unborn Fetus Cast in Major Role for Avengers 2

It's unknown what character the fetus will be playing, but sources say it's a done deal for the upcoming Avengers sequel: Age of Ultron.

S.H.I.E.L.D. Returns Tonight, But Fans Losing Interest in Complaining About It

S.H.I.E.L.D. Returns Tonight, But Fans Losing Interest in Complaining About It

Excitement for bitching about the show is waning as quality improves and fans pine for new episodes after long breaks.

CBR Wants Pictures of Your Dick

CBR Wants Pictures of Your Dick

In hopes of obtaining lots of pictures of dicks, ComicBookResources has started an Instagram account.

Comic Industry Reacts as DC Occupies Image's Utility Closet

Comic Industry Reacts as DC Occupies Image's Utility Closet

Some publishers are condemning the move, while others are urging for a diplomatic end to the escalating crisis.

Marvel Staff Reacts as Bear Enters Marvel Office

Marvel Staff Reacts as Bear Enters Marvel Office

A wild animal was spotted in the Marvel offices and was subdued by the staff.

Will Samuel Jackson Return for Rumored New Matrix Trilogy?

Will Samuel Jackson Return for Rumored New Matrix Trilogy?

A new rumor claims Warner Bros. is planning a new Matrix Trilogy to compete with Star Wars.

Marvel and DC Announce Joint Crossover Event: Eric Stephenson is a Stinky Doodyface and Superhero Comics are Awesome

Marvel and DC Announce Joint Crossover Event: Eric Stephenson is a Stinky Doodyface and Superhero Comics are Awesome

The story will revolve around the Image Publisher being punched repeatedly in the nuts by Marvel and DC superheroes.

All-Star Western Becomes the Schrodinger's Cat of Comics

All-Star Western Becomes the Schrodinger's Cat of Comics

News reports suggest the comic is both cancelled and not cancelled, while neither at the same time.

WWE Network Off to Spotty Launch as Fans at Past Events Start Chanting for Daniel Bryan, C.M. Punk

WWE Network Off to Spotty Launch as Fans at Past Events Start Chanting for Daniel Bryan, C.M. Punk

The historical footage of classic pro wrestling events is becoming unwatchable due to the revolting fans, and also because they keep chanting for Punk and Bryan.

David Finch Conducts Anatomical Study to Prepare for Wonder Woman

David Finch Conducts Anatomical Study to Prepare for Wonder Woman

The artist is conducting a detailed study of the female figure to prepare him for his upcoming run.

In Wake of Mt. Gox Fiasco, Comic Book Speculators Better Off Than Bitcoin Traders

In Wake of Mt. Gox Fiasco, Comic Book Speculators Better Off Than Bitcoin Traders

As bitcoin prices fall, comic book prices rise, proving that comics have always been the smarter investment.

Eastman and Laird Return to TMNT as 30 Year Anniversary Makes Everyone Feel Old as Hell

Eastman and Laird Return to TMNT as 30 Year Anniversary Makes Everyone Feel Old as Hell

Fans are excited for the reunion of the original creative team, but feeling somewhat melancholy thanks to the reminder of their own pending mortality.

Arizona Mutants Thrilled To No Longer Have To Serve Flatscans

Arizona Mutants Thrilled To No Longer Have To Serve Flatscans

A new law would make it legal for mutant run businesses to refuse to serve humans.

Producers Unable to Locate Hayden Panetteire for Heroes Reunion

Producers Unable to Locate Hayden Panetteire for Heroes Reunion

No one has seen the tiny actress in months, causing friends and family to believe she may have shrunk to subatomic levels.

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