So R-stilts has a dream about turning Henry into clay and then shattering him. Man, you too? Anyway, he wakes up and-
No, you know what? No. I'm done, and you should be too. The only way to bring good television back to the major networks is...
oh, right, there is no way to do that. I had this big speech prepared, something about like hope and capitalism and maybe some bunnies, but it really doesn't matter so I'm just going to rant a bit.
"Once Upon a Time" is now so full of plot that it completely misses the point of what a show like this should be. It should be fun, and over the top, and most importantly it should be about characters. Things were going great last season as we got to know the townsfolk and their various tales. Things were cool – Archie was there, and Pinocchio wasn't half so bitchy, and Regina was almost compelling! Good times. The storylines connected in interesting ways, I actually cared about Snow and David! I can't believe that I actually cared about those two self-centered shells of flesh. There was so much hope when it started: gritty fairy tale reboots in the golden age of gritty reboots, occasional witty repartee, freaking Giancarlo Esposito. This should have been one of our greatest television shows. It should have been:
Now it's just the bastard offspring of disappointment and green screen. I know, totally incestuous. The plot gets in the way of the story. Snow White's insufferability gets in the way of any possible empathy I might have had for her. Other people get in the way of Emma getting laid. I JUST WANT EMMA TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT.
Give me vignettes. Give me monsters of the week with awesome overarching storylines. Give me consistently hot men who aren't David.
I will not waste any more of my valuable life on a show that is terrible, and you shouldn't either. There's too much to live for, people of the internet. There are cat gifs to be made, scientific theories about which to speculate, and whatever weird stuff they're doing over in the dark corners of the internet where no one is watching. Go. Live. Be free!
If not for me, then do it for Stealthy.