That tagline was obligatory. Hope you have your beer in hand, because this episode was perfect for a game of “Supernatural: the Drinking Game.” The rules are whatever you make them, but the important ones should center on:
-How terrible John Winchester's parenting was
-How much you miss any character who is now gone for good (Bobby!, Loki!, the prophet Chuck, etc.)
-Any instance of Winchester co-dependency (sub-item to how terrible John Winchester was at parenting)
-Callbacks to the glory days of the show (e.g. gravedigging, Dean hitting on diner waitresses, wearing suits, saving people, hunting things, the family business, etc.)
-Cardio (for all the beer you have now drunk)
“Bad Boys” is a trip down the retconned rabbit hole for Dean. Remember that time he stole food and wound up in a boys home in the Catskills when they were kids? Pepperidge Farm remembers. No one else does, but the writers of this show aren’t concerned about your silly notions of continuity.
The proprietor of the boys home (headmaster?), a porn-mustachioed man named Sonny, calls Dean and asks for help when one of his farmhands is murdered by a tractor. The boys take a field trip to New York (surprising both of us, who assumed all terrible things in this show happen in Ohio, Illinois, or Kansas) and dive back into their classic investigating tricks of interrogating weird children and exhuming the bones of potential ghosts. Unfortunately it calls for “casual questioning” and not “official interrogation,” so no suits. No drinks for you.
Ruth, the bible-thumping cook/warden of the home, tells Sam that Howard, the former owner of the house, murdered his wife (and tried to murder the farmhand) in the barn many years ago. And he went to prison for it. And he died like a year ago. Obviously some grave-robbing/bone-burning is necessary; but it ultimately proves ineffective.
Whilst the boys are beefing up their biceps (drink!), poor old Ruth breaks one of the cardinal rules of the horror genre: don't bathe with your vision impaired while listening to classical music. It's an esoteric rule, but a wise one to follow all the same. She is suffocated in the plastic shower liner by an invisible force. That's like number five on the Res's very specific worst ways to die list.
5) Suffocated in the plastic shower liner by an invisible force
4) Spider avalanche while testing out a new line of silly string
3) Tripping down the stairs while “I'm Walking on Sunshine” blasts through the house
2) Caught in the crossfire of a gang war during an outdoor screening of “Lawrence of Arabia”
1) Making an ice cream sundae for the President of Kazakhstan
Dean of course has to look up his first love, Robin, when the boys go for dinner. Fortunately for him she is not a non-human beastie (since only Sam hooks up with monsters, since he’s inherently evil or whatever), so Sam won't be able to get payback for Dean killing his first girlfriend (RIP Amy Pond's namesake/Kayleigh from “Firefly”). The boys pay a visit to the diner where she works, and while she pretends not to recognize him we all know you don't forget making out with Dean Winchester. Especially when he asked you to the big dance and then disappeared because he feels so responsible for his little brother, who was still actually “little” at the time. That's a drink for co-dependency.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. First we must consider Timmy, the creepy kid whose presence precipitates almost every instance of paranormal violence. Somehow it takes our now grown-up Winchesters nearly 37 minutes (that’s like two and a half days in real time) to solve the Timmy + Bully = Dead Bully equation. He stands up to the bullies in the house by possessing a lawnmower (kind of) and draws super creepy pictures on the wall. Of the car crash that killed his mother. Yeesh. He also plays with his knock-off Thor action figure a lot. Aw, man, now I miss Loki/Gabriel. (Drink!)
Timmy's mother is now a ghost who wants to protect her son from everything because hovering parents just don’t know when to quit. In a wonderful extension of the show-mythology's take on ghosts, Timmy's mother is going insane because she can't move on. She's lost the ability to discern what is actually a threat to her son, so she attacks the Winchesters (Zeke apparently decides to sit this one out) and Robin (who is there to give guitar lessons to Timmy, apparently). After some pleading on Dean's part, Timmy orders his mother to move to the next plane of existence. We end with a scene solidifying the fraternal bonds of the Winchester boys (drink!). Because the other nine seasons haven’t done that enough.
Next week: “You are now virgins.” YEAH RIGHT.