A recap of last night's Secret Circle episode, entitled "Masked".
Every Thursday, my wife Darcie, iPad in hand, sits down and turns on Secret Circle, a CW show about teenaged witches, while I sit on the couch/bed and try very, very hard not to pay attention. As she struggles to keep up with the breakneck plot and relationship status updates, I drink beer, read comics and do anything else I can to distract myself from watching a show that I just want to mock without pause.
Recently, my wife's been on me to spend more time with her and share in some of her geeky interests since she spends so much time putting up with mine. I've begrudgingly agreed to watch Secret Circle with her and have decided that the best way to distract myself from paying attention to the show is to just recap it for the site and mock it through appropriate channels while giving the Internet the Secret Circle recap it deserves, not the Secret Circle recap that it needs.
We begin the latest episode of Secret Circle, appropriately entitled "Masked", with Cassie, who's one cheerleader costume away from being confused with Hayden Panettiere, talking with Faye about throwing a Halloween party while at an antiquities store. Faye is wearing some sort of loose, red boob cover as a top. Literally, it's a scarf that drapes down far enough to barely cover her boobs and leaves her stomach and underboob fully exposed. Darcie explains to me that Faye is "the slutty one," a description I agree with after Faye turns around to show off her fully exposed back. Faye then uses her powers of sluttiness to invite Luke, an acquaintance of Adam's, to come to the party so that Cassie can get her freak on. Way to use those powers for good. Also, Cassie discovers that the shop's owner, Wilson, is a witch after they brush hands. Due to the fact that Wilson is a minority, a witch and looks scared when he sees Cassie, it's almost guaranteed that he'll be dead by the end of the episode.
From there we cut to a brief conversation between Adam and his father, in which Adam tells his paternal figure that he still hasn't forgiven him for telling Diana that Adam and Cassie were fated to be together. That little tidbit of information caused Adam and his now ex-girlfriend Diana to break up, as Diana had obviously deduced that something was going on between Cassie and the emo boy.
We then proceed back to Cassie's house where Cassie's grandmother is about to leave to visit an Elder up at a lakehouse and is worried about Cassie's safety, as she apparently was just attacked in her home last episode. Cassie assures her grandmother that things will be all right as she's invited her close circle of friends to stay with her for the night. After Cassie's grandmother leaves, Diana and Faye come over to help set up for the party. As Faye drags in prop after prop, Cassie discovers a piece of the blade that was used to attack her the night before and notices some symbols on them. She remembers that she had seen a similar-looking blade at Wilson's shop and leaves to ask him what he knows.
When Cassie heads outside, she bumps into Jake. My wife hurriedly pauses the show and explains to me that Jake is associated with the girl who attacked Cassie the episode before. Intrigue! Also, Jake and Faye (the slutty one) used to be an item. Unsurprising! Now thoroughly caught up, my wife turns the show back on, just in time to see Cassie show Jake the knife piece, which causes him to secretly tamper with Cassie's car so that he can confront Wilson first. When Jake gets to the store, he reveals that he knows of a way to easily kill individual witches by gathering mandrake root, the witch's blood, and a personal belonging of the witch into a bottle and then setting it on fire. Like I said, this Wilson dude is a dead man walking. Jake threatens to kill Wilson should he tell Cassie anything about the knife and then leaves.
Wilson lies to Cassie about the knife, but Cassie manages to take a picture of the full blade on her phone (the broken blade was missing part of the symbol on it) after distracting Wilson with some minor property damage. Adam then uses his mystical magic Internet powers to learn that the symbol belongs to a group of witch hunters called Getticas. Their motto: "It's a witch! Burn her!" (Not really.) He also exchanges some lingering looks with Cassie while openly admitting that he wants to get back with Diana. At this point, I pause the show and ask my wife why all these girls are throwing themselves at a guy who probably can't bench press a ten pound weight. My wife's best guess is that magic really screws with a person's sex drive and that I shouldn't be casting aspersions as I often hang out with people who double me in weight.
We then see Jake meet up with his fellow hunters and make plans to capture the Circle and kill them all using the mandrake root, blood and possession method in a boathouse. We also learn that Luke is a Hunter too, and that he'll be infiltrating the party with another nameless dude in a pig mask (who I've nicknamed Pig Mask) to capture the witches. We also catch a brief conversation between Faye and Cassie, in which Cassie tells Faye that she doesn't trust Jake and to keep an eye on him at the party. Faye replies that she'll use her boobs.
Meanwhile, Wilson heads over to Adam's father's boat (did I mention that Adam's dad lives on a boat the size of my bathtub?) and has a drink with Adam's dad as they knew each other back in the day. Wilson is shocked to learn that Cassie doesn't know who her father is and tells Adam's dad that she has the right to know that her dad is John Blackwall. Judging by the prominent placement of the word "Black" in John Blackwall's name, I'm betting that he's evil.
The show then cuts to Cassie's Halloween party. As with all CW show parties, there's plenty of underage drinking and mild fornicating going on. Also, since this is Halloween, all the chicks are dressed in low cut shirts and short skirts and the dudes are all dressed in suits. Cassie is dressed as a slutty killer bee, Diana is dressed as a slutty vampire, Melissa is dressed as a slutty schoolgirl and Faye is dressed as slutty Little Red Riding Hood. Adam arrives at the party and begs Diana to get back together with him. Diana resists Adam's monotone charms and storms off. Melissa then walks outside and gets captured by Pig Mask, who chloroforms her in full view of at least a dozen people and then carries her off into a crowded street. This town obviously doesn't get phased by blatant kidnapping of good-looking teenagers very much.
Jake arrives at the party and is promptly jumped on by Faye, giving Cassie an opportunity to search Jake's house. Faye takes Jake upstairs but gets upset when her slutty attire doesn't arouse his loins. Faye accuses Jake of being different, to which Jake replies that he's just not that into her anymore. While Faye and Jake work on Jake's erectile problem, Cassie discovers that Jake has a knife with the Gettica symbols on it. Unfortunately, she's caught by Jake, who explains that his deceased brother had the Hunter symbols and that was probably why Cassie was attacked by the girl the previous episode. Faye interrupts Jake's obvious lies and tells Cassie that she needs help finding Melissa.
We then see Wilson head over to Cassie's house. He calls her up and tells her that he's dropped something off and that she needs to be careful before being cut off by Jake. Pig Mask then captures Diana, once again chloroforming her in full view of at least twenty people, while Jake kills Wilson in the middle of the street as trick-or-treaters walk past after he tells the douchey blonde that Cassie's in possession of dark magic. I told you Wilson wasn't going to make it. Speaking of Cassie, she gets captured by Luke, who she recognizes in surprise shortly before passing out.
Cassie and the rest of the Circle wake up in the boathouse tied up, with Luke and the lead Hunter monologuing about how they're all sinful people. The lead hunter, who's been coordinating this entire witch-killing excursion with Jake, explains that the witches are powerless due to an iron sulfide circle and charges Luke with the task of killing the witches. Luke picks Diana as his first victim, causing Adam to freak out and try to snap his bonds. Unfortunately, that lack of muscle strength I mentioned earlier comes back to bite Adam in the ass and he is unable to do anything. Right before Luke kills Diana, Cassie screams in frustration and causes the magic death bottle Luke is holding to shatter, saving Diana's life.
Jake arrives outside of the boathouse and warns his boss that the witches can't be killed by bottle magic due to Cassie's dark magic powers. The lead Hunter tells Jake that he's a douche and ignores him. Luke decides to kill Cassie next and grabs the bottle containing her blood. When he tries to light it with a match, Luke immolates himself instead. Snap! Jake and the lead hunter exchange surprised looks and Jake quickly fakes getting attacked so as to not arouse the other witch's suspicions. The witches, who clearly have no idea what's going on, free themselves and then leave all confused.
The show ends with various characters checking up on each other. Adam visits a pantsless Diana and explains that he needs her in his life. She replies that it's still over between them, which I'm sure will only push Adam into wearing even more muted colors next episode. Cassie cleans up after the party and runs into Jake, whom she calls out on being a sketchy, untrustworthy douche. After locking Jake out of his home, she discovers some sort of old papers with the initials "DB" on them left at the house by Wilson, whose withered corpse is still presumably laying outside on the sidewalk. And Cassie's grandmother arrives at the lakehouse, finds an old guy unconscious/dead and gets attacked herself by an unknown assailant.
At the end of the day, this is just like any other episode of Secret Circle (or any episode of any CW magic show ever), it's heavy on plot and light on themes or characterization. However, I did learn a few good things from this episode. For example, boob covers are an acceptable form of clothing now. Also, if you're going to kidnap a teenaged girl, do it in full view of people while wearing a creepy pig mask. And if you get caught with incriminating evidence in your room, blame it on your deceased brother. Finally, don't try to set dark witches on fire because you'll just end up dead and in flames.
Written or Contributed by: Christian Hoffer
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About the Author - Christian Hoffer
Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.
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