Don't worry guys, only ten months before we get to find out what happened to everyone.
After spending an entire episode in one place for one night, we have a lot of catch-up to do in the other regions of Westeros. Despite our extra-long season finale, all the denouement from the second book leaves us a bit rushed, but with plenty of cliffhangers. So let's get right into it, shall we?
We open in King's Landing, because no one is cruel enough to make us wonder about Tyrion's fate. Pycelle is caring for him, which, as he's on team Cercei, makes Tyrion a bit worried. Pycelle gets a few jabs in and pays him a coin "for his troubles," which we recognise as payback for an earlier episode.
In the throne room, Lord Tywin's horse has a poop before they walk majestically into the hall. There, Joffery anoints him full powers as Hand of the King. He then gives Littlefinger Harrenhall for his efforts in bringing together the Tyrells and the Lannisters. (Note that there's a significant lack of "Baratheon" representation, even though Joff is still sitting his spoilt, awful, sadistic ass on that throne.) Varys looks more than a little pissed about this. Loras also asks Joff to marry Margery to unite the houses. Oh hai Margie, we've missed your cleavage! Sansa looks upset in the hall, but she leaves and laughs maniacally at her freedom. Littlefinger creeps up on her and tells her not to be so happy. Dude is hella harbouring some nasty thoughts about her.
Ros is powdering her black eye when Varys shows up. She's frightened of him, and he kind of vaguely threatens her before asking her to help him bring down Littlefinger. She agrees. I continue to wonder why exactly Ros exists on this show, and whether perhaps in the third season we'll finally figure out what the point of her is. Besides, of course, tits.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the middle of Westeros, Brienne drags Jaime along with her while he taunts her about being a virgin. Maybe he and Ygritte would be well suited for each other. He kindly offers to rape Brienne. Such the gentleman. They find bodies hanging from a tree and she voices her intent to bury them properly. Unfortunately they ran into the men who did it, men of the Riverlands sworn to the Starks. Since Brienne serves Catelyn and thus technically the Starks, Jaime is worried about how that's going to affect his lifespan. Fortunately, she completely fucking destroys those men, much to Jaime's astonishment. She serves Catelyn, not the Starks. Important difference. They continue their wacky adventures.
Speaking of the Starks, Robb tells Caitlin that he means to marry Lady Talisa. She tells him that it's a bad move and that he could learn to love a Frey girl, but he's having none of it, especially since she let the Kingslayer go. He storms out in a huff. Honestly, teenagers.
We then turn to Stannis, who is maybe back in Storm's End? Or Dragonstone? I'm not sure. Anyway, he's pissed at Mellisandre for letting him lose the Blackwater battle. He makes to choke a bitch, asking, "Where's your god now?" A little clichéd, don't we think? She tells him he will betray everything to win the throne, and it will be worth it. She makes him gaze into the flames to see this, and holy shit his facial expression freaks me out.
In Winterfell, Theon is bitching about something. His Daddy Issues come up again. Luwin tells him he ought to just run to the Night's Watch, because he's not really up to snuff enough to be in charge of Winterfell anyway. Theon is dumb (of course) and doesn't listen to him, and instead gives a stirring speech to rally his men. Which might have worked, until he was stabbed by...um whoever that guy is supposed to be, I can't remember his name in the show. But I assume he's actually the bastard Bolton, Ramsey. He should be Reek but whatever. He also stabs Luwin, which makes me really sad.
Again in King's Landing, Varys meets with Tyrion in secret to tell him that Cercei sent Mandon Moore to kill him. Furthermore, he learns that Bronn has been dismissed and his tribesmen are gone, leaving him with pretty much just Podrick Payne on his side. Varys does thank him for his efforts, though it's bittersweet, since we realise Tyrion will never get any of the glory for the good he tried to do. Shae shows up, we see his face without bandages (bullshit, he still has a nose!), and she tells him to man up. They share a very touching scene together and fuck her, she's a lying cuntrag. (Um, spoilers I guess.)
In the riverlands, Robb marries Talisa under a weirwood tree. How lovely.
In Qarth, Dany finally goes to the House of the Undying. She tries to find the entryway as Jorah follows her, but she disappears as he circles the whole building. She walks through the dungeon while angrily shouting at whatever screaming voices she's hearing.
Near Harrenhall, where Arya & co. are escaping, they see Jaqen H'ghar watching them. She confronts him, and he offers her a way to shorten her list of names. She tells him she cannot go to Braavos, but he gives her a coin and tells her the words "Valar Morghulis" will get her to there when she is ready to become a faceless...man? Faceless girl? I'm not sure about the usage there.
Winterfell has burned. The direwolves wait for their masters while Luwin dies under the Weirwood tree. He tells them to flee north and has Osha end his suffering. Bran, Hodor, Osha, and Rickon set out.
We return to Dany's symbolism dream journey, which sadly is not filled with as many predictions/portents for the coming books. She does walk through the burned but snowy remains of the Iron Throne room, and she exits the building through a door that ends up being The Wall (in the North, not the Pink Floyd album) (I'm hilarious). She espies a tent in the snow, and inside are Khal Drogo and her baby. They share a tender moment together, but she knows it isn't real, so she leaves them behind. She finds her dragons chained to a dias, and Pyat Pree(s) come to chain her up as well. But her dragons (which evoke sort of a Jurassic Park-esque velociraptor feel) are well trained, and she has them set him on fire.
Way up in the Frostfangs, Ygritte teases Jon a bit more while whacking him on the head with her sword. He finally gets frustrated and makes fun of her right back. For whatever reason this leads to him fighting Qhorin. Despite the fact that the Halfhand would obviously have wasted his shit if he tried, Jon wins the fight, and the wildlings deem him worthy. Qhorin reminds him of his vows just before he dies, thus telling Jon to find out all he can before returning to the Watch. Ygritte and her people take him to Mance.
Again in Qarth, Dany shows up at Xaro's house to take the key to his vault. Unfortunately for her, his vault is as empty as his promises. She locks him up in there and then robs his house. Though he's not as wealthy as he made out to be, he is still very rich, and they have enough for a boat. But, um, where exactly did she find all those warrior people?
Finally, in the North-that-is-north-of-the-wall-but-still-south-of-where-Jon-is, Sam and the other men are complaining about their shitty (heh heh) jobs when three horns sound. This is the code for, "Drop your shit and run." Unfortunately, Sam is fat and not particularly great at running. He hides behind a rock. One of the ice zombies riding a zombie horse sees him (aside: ice zombie looked kind of like Benjen Stark, yes? Discuss.), but I guess decides he's not worth the effort. We pan out to see that there is an entire army of ice zombies marching south. Well. Shit.
So there you have it. Time passes too quickly, my friends. Ten episodes have come and gone, the Kings have Clashed, and we have ten months to wait for the first half of the Swords to Storm. Honestly I'm really stoked for the next two seasons (and hey, maybe eventually we'll get that sixth book...), but after the Battle of Blackwater, this episode felt rushed. Would it have been so bad to make it into two full episodes? I'm sure True Blood fans would be pissed, but they'll get over it.
Well, take the time to discuss your thoughts and feelings in the forum. I'm out.
Written or Contributed by: Dr. Improbable