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Arcadian Web #1 Spider-Man: Web of Shadows

 For his first review Alchemic gives you his thoughts on Spider-Man: Web of Shadows.

So I’m a comic book reader, it’s why I post here (That or I really like the political debates) and I find myself continually buying crappy video games. I’m looking at you Batman Forever…well technically it was a gift, a gift I can never forgive my mother for making. I’m just waiting for us to have a big blowout just so I can toss that shit in her face; hopefully right around thanksgiving just so I can tell her that her macaroni sucks just like her game purchasing decisions. But anyway I digress.


So a few months ago I purchased Spider-Man: Web of Shadows, because

A) I like Spider-Man
And
B) Who doesn’t feel cool hanging out in the shadows…unless you’re just some random guy near an elementary school…then it’s just creepy. And also the nearby police keep a close eye on you.

So I’m playing this game and it starts with him just walking on a rooftop while various S.H.E.L.D agents get ripped a new one by symbiotes.   So you swing by kick a few symbiotes here and there and then you get a glimpse of a cool symbiotic Black Cat…and then what happens you’re taken to the beginning of the story which frankly is depressing.

The story basically starts with you fighting Venom. No reason is given, so I assumed you’re suppose to make one up for yourself. Here’s mine. Peter Parker was club hopping with his boys Hobbie and Flash and on the dance floor…our boy Pete accidentally scuffs the brand new Nikes of Eddie Brock. And chaos ensues! What you don’t like it? Well fuck you this was my story make, up your own! Anyway you’re fighting venom and then all of a sudden a part of the symbiote is reabsorbed into Spider-Man. Venom runs off and you can’t chase him because you have to get Mary Jane to the hospital because apparently she had been bitch slapped. Well you finally get her to the hospital and get this you’re forced to stop some gang fight right outside the hospital. But it’s cool you get help from Luke Cage…and when I say help I mean he just runs around the screen while you do all the work. After the battle you don’t get to check up on your wife instead you’re trained in your abilities by Cage. Because, yeah in the Marvel Universe with people like Captain America, Iron Man, and hell even Moon Knight…I’d prefer to be trained to use my special abilities by the one guy who really doesn’t have any super powers, well unless you count being immune to leeches. 

spiderman-web-of-shadows-_luke_cage.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway the story progresses and you eventually realize that venom is taking over New York with copies of his symbiote.  And the only way to stop him is to team up with other heroes and villains.  And I use the term team up lightly…because they don’t help…at all. All they do is run around the screen or in the Vultures case…fly around the screen. But what can you do because you’re stuck with them because the geniuses that S.H.I.E.L.D are close off New York from the rest of the world. So you basically spend your time in this game beating up symbiote infused bad guy here…symbiote infused good guy there and in between that help S.H.I.E.L.D rescue people who have yet to anally raped by a symbiote.  You’re probably saying to yourself “Come on Alchemic! Get to the good stuff!” Well there isn’t any real good stuff, except to say that the controls and graphics are top notch.

spider-man-web-of-shadows.jpeg   The controls are pretty easy to manage (I was playing the PS3 version) and the graphics are indeed top notch. I spent most of my time playing just swinging around the city admiring the view and ignoring the calls for help from below.  I’ve heard stories of the game having glitch problems but nothing of the sort happened to me.

Your actions decide the outcome of the story in the sense that you can choose to take the red and blue suit path which usually means good guy bore fest or the black suit path which usually means mediocre bad guy cheating on your wife and bitch smacking Wolverine fest.  I only played through the game once because…well I didn’t feel the need to playing through it again.  The ending I got was that well…MJ left me because I felt the urge to save the Black Cat from death by giving her a piece of my symbiote…WELL EXCUSE ME FOR BEING THE HERO!!!!…that and she looked pretty amazing with a symbiote suit on.  Also just pretty good in general.

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  My advice to you is that if you’ve enjoyed the previous Spider-Man games then you’d like this. And if you are one of those people who liked the previous Spider-Man games…well just keep playing them…because this is the same exact game! The story is boring and the graphics are slightly better than previous Spidey titles but there’s no reason to shell out $60 bucks for this game unless you’re C Montgomery Burns, and in this economic time I’d highly advise him not to do it either.

Spider-Man: Web of Shadows

Story:          D-
Graphics:    B+
Controls:     B+


I’d also like to ask……Where the hell was Aunt May?! Way to go Pete! You’re swinging around town fighting symbiotes and don’t think to check up on your elderly aunt?  Right now she’s probably being gang raped by symbiote infused versions of Doc Ock, the Jackal, and Norman Osborn….serves you right, you ungrateful bastard!

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