James Bond meets Adolf Hitler more or less. Plus a baboon killing some damn Nazis. There I got Lord Simian's attention in seeing this film.
Credits & Solicit Info:
Directed by: Worth Keeter
Ian Hunter as Duncan Jax
C.K. Bibby as Star
William Hicks as the Baron Tepish
Jillian Donnellan as Tiffany Youngblood
Stephan Krayn as Dr. BrinkmannAnna Rapagna as Maxie Ryder
Flo Hynman as Spike
Adolf Hitler as himself
I'm a lover of movies; in fact, I love all kinds of movies. Amongst them all, action movies especially are my passion. However, I also do enjoy sci-fi, drama, comedy, and horror. As for romance? Eh, if the babe is hot it might be deemed possibly watchable for me. Though even then, that so did not help me when I watched The English Patient (1996). Otherwise, I rather watch Batman & Robin (1997) for 24 hours straight than see a cheesy romance flick. Still, I cannot see every movie known to man when they come out, or only hear good stuff about them. Therefore, I'll put my behind down and review the flick. Enter this column, where I finally state was the movie truly worth the price of viewing or not.
A movie that escaped the riffing of Mystery Science Theater 3000 though should have been so obviously a target of it. Hell I didn't even know such a film existed until one day I saw it on my On Demand cable service and thought what the hell I have ninety minutes to kill given the description sounded awesome. Though I can't believe how hard a find this film is online (hence you'll find no pictures here alas). I can't even find a damn trailer for it or anyplace online that show's it. What I did find was two clips from the movie. So you'll have to make do with what I got here and hunt this film down for yourself.
The film is basically a James Bond rip-off named Duncan Jax who's a super secret agent doing the dirty work for Britain. Though before we get to him we get a LONG montage of good old Uncle Adolf and how he created a dark age for history before being defeated. OR DID HE!? *cue dramatic music* After that opening we get some dude getting kidnapped before we finally get our hero of the movie. He rip-offs some Arabian crooks who in turn ripped off some people for some precious diamonds. His next assignment is going undercover to the evil lair of a group of Neo Nazis being lead by an old school Nazis named the Baron Tepish (damn was Orson Welles desperate for money. Okay it's not Welles, but the dude just looks like him and gives about a performance befitting Welles during that sad period of his life). However, what Jax finds is not only the usual Nazis plan for world domination, but Tepish has got Hitler's body on ice and he plans to unleash the Führer upon the world once more!
Oh I forgot to mention that Jax has a side-kick baboon named Boon, who wears a tuxedo, farts, and motions to shove it at people. Honestly, this dirty ape is the best reason to watch this movie. Just because it's flat out hilarious to take the main hero just so damn serious with him carrying his simian side-kick throughout the damn movie before I kid you not the monkey drives a tank and mowing some Nazis down with a cannon.
Everything else well, honestly it just flat out sucks. Jax isn't an interesting character to me. About the only time I liked the character was him tricking a high ranking Nazi to burn their hand off. Other than that Jax just didn't have the wit or moves as Bond. He just kisses the girl and somehow they fall in love with his balding head. Another negative is he doesn't use all his tech gadgetry in this movie. I wanted to see some damn concealed ninja throwing stars damnit! You don't tease them and not use them much at all!
His sidekicks that are non-simian are alright, but not really memorable and just typical stock. Sure the film is a little more enjoyable with this crack team of commandos and honestly I rather have seen a movie with them than Jax.
Tepish also falters just because I can't help think of the dude as Orson Welles and think the dude is going to have a friggin heartattack chasing the hero all over the place. Not to mention he seems so Doctor Evil in his ways even if Austin Powers (1999) came out over ten years later. I mean come on. You put the dude in a death trap and expect to drown him? Come on! Even Doctor Evil realized that give the hero way too much time. This damn Nazi needed some sharks with freaking lasers attached to their heads. Hell his super weapon was a giant laser. Why the hell couldn't his main death trap have been that? When you have a pattern you stick to it! Why Bond villains rule.
Another problem I have is just the whole climax. Maybe I've played too much Wolfenstein or reading Hellboy, but I wanted a damn fight of Jax facing an undead Hitler. Instead we're treating to a huge anti-climax of the hero easily defeating Hitler. About the only fun thing is seeing the gruesome death for a gruesome man. Still couldn't they afford a little more? Like a Cyborg Hitler? Vampire Hitler? Zombie Hitler? Mutant Hitler? FrankenHitler? Any one of those ideas would be an awesome concept.
Honestly, this film should have been a much more funnier than it could have been. I'm a man who loves seeing Nazis die through various macabre ways. Yes, sure it's fun seeing a baboon in a tank utterly destroy the so called master race, but I wanted more. I wanted a better reason to hate Tepist so when the dude bought it I cheer. Also yeah this movie benefits more being watched by friends and just riffing the hell out of it. Though it's no Space Mutiny (1988), it'll do nicely. Now that I think about it. This film would have been a perfect five if Reb Brown was in this movie. It'd been Reb Brown and a primate kicking Nazi ass. If that isn't formula for a blockbuster I don't know what is. Hmm.. someone get me Hollywood! I think I'm onto something here.
2 out of 5
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