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An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes Special: Incompetence at the Workplace

Written by Christian on Friday, August 20 2010 and posted in Columns

Even superheroes mess up on the job sometimes.  Click to find out which one's are the biggest failures at life!

This is An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes. It's part fact, part opinion, and part bullshitting my way through 75 years worth of literature that is both entertaining and slightly ridiculous. An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes is not meant to be taken 100% seriously nor is it 100% factual.

An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes Special: Incompetence at the Workplace

Incompetence is something that plagues the workplace and comes in many forms. It can be the idiot subordinates who can’t understand basic instructions like “Under no circumstances are you to write in this space” and cause you to redo their entire project while they make snooty little claims that you never gave them said instructions despite video and audio evidence to the contrary. It can be the coworker who’s constantly trying to sabotage you by badmouthing you to anyone within earshot but too stupid to realize that you’re standing behind them with a hammer and a short temper. Sometimes it’s you, when you’re too hung over to realize that you’re not supposed to unlock the alligator pit during the day and accidentally cause the loss of three to five limbs.

Luckily, even superheroes can be major idiots sometimes when it comes to the workplace. So here’s a quick list of a few superheroes who screwed up on the job.

1) Spider-Man

Peter Parker is the most unreliable employee of all time. He’s constantly late to work, breaks expensive equipment regularly, and always uses all of his sick time because he’s either recovering from his umpteenth battle of the month or rushing to the hospital to see his aunt who’s been skirting the line between life and death for the last thirty years. He can’t even hold a job in the pizza delivery industry, despite being the only person in Manhattan who can actively avoid traffic. Parker’s only saving grace was his photography, which he even managed to sully by doctoring photos and getting caught fifteen minutes later. For someone with genius level intelligence, Parker is about as dumb as they come when it comes to the workplace.

2) Hal Jordan

What’s the number one rule about office politics? Don’t go berserk and kill your coworkers. Hal Jordan must have missed the memo when he had enough of upper management interference and decided to take matters into his own hands. The result: dozens of dead space cops, a wrecked Power Battery, and no universal infrastructure for a few years. Luckily, the Green Lantern Union helped him keep his job when he claimed yellow fear bug possession, proving that you really can get away with murder and keep your job.

3) Doctor Voodoo

Brother Voodoo inherited the role of Sorcerer Supreme from Dr. Strange after Strange inexplicably blamed himself for an alien invasion that he slept through because it only lasted fifteen minutes. On Voodoo’s first day on the job, he needed the help of the New Avengers to beat up the Dread Dormammu. On his second day on the job, he needed the help of Doctor Doom, one of the foremost villains in the Marvel universe, to help him beat Nightmare, a villain who Strange had literally beaten in his sleep. On the third day, the universe broke, leading him to declare his utter failure at his job. The only question that remains is exactly how both Strange and Voodoo had become such failures that they couldn’t even do basic card tricks after over thirty years of magical badassery. The answer to that question may come in the form of the soon to be introduced new Sorcerer Supreme Brian Bendisius, who looks strikingly similar to the writer Brian Bendis and even shares similar physical characteristics.

4) Justice League of America

When you’re the premier superteam on the planet, there’s some pretty high expectations placed on you. One of the bigger expectations is to not let an entire city get leveled unless that city happens to be Detroit. Unfortunately, the JLA really fails at city saving. Coast City, Star City, Gotham City and Bludhaven have all been leveled over the years while the JLA was supposedly on the job. Sure, the Justice League makes up excuses like “Sorry, guys, but we were off planet when your city got wiped out” or “Superman always cries on our monitoring equipment which really mucks around with the system” but it doesn’t make up for the millions of deaths and injuries caused by cities lost during their watch. If I were a DC universe resident, I’d stay away from metropolitan locales at all cost as they get wiped out at a rate of once a year.

Can you think of any good superhero screwups? Be sure to post them in the comments!

Normal Idiot’s Guide will be return with Green Lantern next week.

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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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