Marvel Comics sent us a press release this morning reminding us that Age of Ultron ends next week with Age of Ultron #10. The ending to the comic has been hyped as so controversial that only Marvel Head Honcho Joe Quesada can be trusted to draw it, presumably because all other Marvel artists are cowardly stool pigeons who will crack under interrogation and spill the beans before Marvel gets to spoil it themselves in an article in USA Today. We already know that Angela will appear, since that's been advertised, and we know that Hank Pym will live, since he's starring in Avengers: AI.
So what the heck is the big deal? The Outhouse's top snarky reporters, ThanosCopter, GHERU, and Jude Terror, locked themselves in a room and refused to come out until they had created the perfect list of the top twenty predictions for how the series will end. Five minutes later, they emerged victorious. Here's what they came up with:
#20 - Wally West shows up at the end, accompanied by Stephanie Brown.
#19 - The last ten years of storylines, starting with Avengers Dissembled, are revealed to be a dream of Ultimate Peter Parker, who is still alive.
#18 - Barack Obama shows up to deliver the killing blow against Ultron, all the while delivering a message about responsible spying on the citizenry and drone warfare.
#17 - It's all Scott Summers' fault.
#16 - LeBron James inexplicably shows up and defeats Ultron before reminding readers to tune into Game 6 of the NBA Finals, only on ABC.
#15 - The entire story is revealed to have taken place in the St. Elsewhere snow globe.
#14 - Age of Ultron is revealed to have been masterminded by a cabal formed of Jack Sparrow, Mickey Mouse, Darth Vader, and Twilight Sparkles, setting up the plot for next summer's super-mega-crossover event, Disney Wars.
#13 - The Avengers sit down for some shawarma in a local diner Tony Stark recommended. Various suspicious looking supervillains and killer robots eat at nearby tables as "Don't Stop Believin'" blares on the jukebox. The last panel fades to black with absolutely nothing happening, a theme of the series.
#12 - Age of Ultron #10 explodes when it comes into contact with air after being unwrapped from its polybag. This is actually more satisfying to the reader than reading the comic would have been.
#11 - It's Marvelman/Miracleman! Approximately three people in the world actually give a crap, which makes three more people than give a crap about Angela.
#10 - Morgana Le Fay shows up at the end, thus earning the respect of one fanboy who thinks the book respects continuity and stuff.
#9 - Marvel spends millions of dollars developing new technology allowing them to embed a youtube video onto the final page which shows Joe Quesada rapping the Shaquille O'Neill classic, "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes," directly at the fans.
#8 - Event Comics Anonymous experiences a 400% increase in attendance. Everyone relapses within a month, because comic books.
#7 - After being captured by the heroes, Ultron removes his mask, revealing that he is actually Old Man Jenkins. He would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids. Wolverine stabs the kids.
#6 - Various time-displaced Wolverines from all the time travel shenanigans that occurred in the series begin popping into existence, leading directly into Marvel's next big event, Crisis of Infinite Wolverines, written by a swooning and pining Jason Aaron. Sales on that series are so high it becomes the new Marvel status quo indefinitely.
#5 - Wolverine wakes up in bed with his first wife, Emily Hartley. It turns out the whole thing was just a bad, decompressed dream. He stabs her with his claws, because that's what he does best, bub.
#4 - Outhouse writer Frankenstein: Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E. finally makes his debut in the Marvel Universe after smashing through a magical continuity wall with one punch.
#3 - It is revealed that Ultron is actually Wolverine's child from that one time he got drunk and had sex with a copy machine. Wolverine then stabs him to death. The rest of the Avengers are all like, "that's our Wolverine! Always stabbing his children!" Everyone laughs heartily and the panel ends in a freeze frame like a bad eighties sitcom episode. If you use the Marvel AR app on that panel, it plays the theme song to Full House.
#2 - Wolverine and Susan Richards are tried and convicted of murder, attempted murder, and general fuckery, and are held accountable for their acti... bwahahahahaha okay that one is just ridiculous.
#1 - The entire miniseries is revealed to be an elaborate advertisement for Gillette Ultron Shaving Blades, which promises a shave so close, you'd think you're experiencing a post-apocalyptic world.
Age of Ultron, by "The Great One" Brian Bendis, Bryan Hitch, Carlos Pacheco, Brandon Peterson, Alex Maleev, Butch Guice, David Marquez, Joe Quesada, and a partridge and a pear tree will be in stores next week.