In the wake of all of the big news out of Image Expo, one message is abundantly clear: every website on the face of the planet has an interview with the creators of one of Image's newly announced series except The Outhouse. Millar, Brubaker, Straczynski, Fraction, Remender, Aaron... these guys are popping up all over the net to spill the beans on their new creator-owned projects, but not a single one of them came to The Outhouse!
Well, we're not going to just stand around and let the rest of the net scoop us, so we reached out to acclaimed director Darren Aronofsky to ask him to join us for an exclusive interview about Noah, the upcoming series of four original graphic novels adapting his upcoming film of the same name. Unfortunately, Aronofsky's publicist told us to get lost, so we reached out to Fred Aronofsky, a grocery bagger at a local supermarket in Dallas, Texas, and Fred was willing to give us an exclusive interview.
The Outhouse: Thanks for speaking with us. We're huge fans of your work. Black Swan. The Wrestler. Requiem for a Dream! All great stuff.
Fred Aronofsky: What?
OH: Your movies.
FA: I think you may have me confused with someone else. I don't make movies. I work at a supermarket.
OH: What can you tell us about Noah?
FA: The guy with the ark? I think God told him to build a boat, right? Because there was gonna be a flood?
OH: Go on.
FA: So he gets two of every animal, right? And he puts them on the boat, and then he gets swallowed by a whale or something.
OH: Wow, really?
FA: Yeah, yeah, it's all in the Bible.
OH: That's very interesting. What led you to adapt your film for the comics medium?
FA: I told you, I don't make movies. I bag groceries at Foodtown.
OH: Do they really have Foodtowns in Dallas? I thought that was a Northeast regional chain.
FA: How the hell should I know? You're the one making up this interview!
OH: You're working with Niko Henrichon on the comic book adaptation. Henrichon, of course, is most famous for working with Brian K. Vaughn on Pride of Baghdad. What unique qualities do you think he and or she brings to Noah?
OH: According to Bleeding Cool, two of the four graphic novels have already been released in Europe. Don't you think that's anti-American?
FA: Well, we live in a global world nowadays. A lot of films are released overseas before they're released in the States, so it would make sense that some comics are released over there as well. When you consider the way international trade has been shifting away from a US-dominated market, you have to think about how that effects...
OH: Enough of that. Since this is a European comic, will there be nudity?
FA: How the heck should I know? I told you, I'm a grocery bagger. A fictional grocery bagger, for that matter!
OH: European comics have a lot of nudity. They're real perverts over there.
FA: Or are we just overly conservative here?
OH: We'll ask the questions here. What do you think about Image's other announcement, that they're going to start releasing DRM-free digital comics on their website?
FA: Oh, that's going to destroy the industry.
OH: What?! Why?!
FA: Everyone knows that DRM-free digital files will destroy an industry. Look at what happened to the music industry when they started offering DRM-free MP3s on iTunes.
OH: But they're still making music.
FA: Not "good" music.
OH: Good point. But still, some would argue that the industry was dying anyway, and the digital market allowed them to survive in the digital age. Maybe by getting ahead of the pack on this issue, Image will have an advantage over publishers like Marvel and DC that are still trapped in the past.
FA: Is that a question?
OH: Will Noah be one of the DRM-free digital comics available from Image?
FA: How would I know that?! Have you been listening to anything I said?
OH: You're not a very good interviewee.
FA: You asked me for this!
OH: All the other websites got great interviews. Fraction, Brubaker, Millar... I have to say, this is kind of disappointing.
FA: I can't imagine why those guys wouldn't want to talk to you.
OH: Hey, screw you, Fred.
FA: Screw me? Screw you! This interview is over!
OH: No! Wait! We weren't finished!
FA: I'm done here. I've got work to do.
OH: Please! We're sorry! We didn't mean it!
FA: Don't contact me again.
As you can see, The Outhouse is now blacklisted by Fred Aronofsky. Just another example of the corrupt, incestuous relationship between Big Comics and the comics media. Stay tuned to The Outhouse, where we'll continue to bring you the latest news and commentary about comic books and the comic book industry, even if guys like Ed Brubaker think they're too important to talk to us.
Noah, starring Russell Crowe, Anthony Hopkins, Jennifer Connelly, Douglas Booth, Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, and Ray Winstone, will be in theaters on March 28, 2014. The comic book will be in stores... well, probably sometime before that.