El Presidente here, reporting from the lion cage at the Cairo Zoo. Comrades, remind me to fire my travel agent!
It's been a whole week since rumors about Disney's upcoming Star Wars Episode 7 made the internet collectively dampen its underpants, so I decided it must be time for an update. With you fanboys, I feel like back in the day when I used to constantly have to keep Che Guevara updated with the latest news in communist guerilla revolutions. Every week, "Fidel, what is going on in Bolivia, Fidel, why do you not send me to the Congo?"
Holy crap, bro! We get it! You're an ubiquitous countercultural symbol of rebellion. Now give it a rest, already!
Anyway, where was I, my friends? Oh yes, Star Wars. This one comes via my new friends at Cosmic Book News, because their article was teeming with mockery of that poser Latino-themed Hollywood gossip site, Latino Review. In the article, CBN calls Latino Review a "fan website," and thanks them for confirming CBN's scoop. Ha ha, you've got to love it, comrades! Hey El Mayimbe, tell Matt McGroin how his ass tastes!
In what is widely being regarded as the 357th most shocking rumor about Star Wars Episode 7, Ian McDiarmid may reprise his role as Emperor Palpatine. How can that be when (spoiler alert) Darth Vader killed him at the end of Return of the Jedi (while screaming NOOOOOOOOOO!!! thanks to George Lucas's notorious edits)?! Is the emperor alive? Will it be a flashback? Could be neither! CBN says that Palpatine may have had an apprentice before he was killed, and he will be returning as a ghost, like Obi Wan and Anakin (young Anakin - damn you Lucas!!!).
According to reports, McDiarmid was originally playing hardball with the studio until Pope Benedict retired in February, spoiling all his leverage by becoming available. Yeah, take that unnecessary and outdated insult, former leader of the Catholic Church! I bet that stings!
Stay tuned to The Outhouse and Cubano Review for all the latest on THE SCORE!
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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