An article on popular comic book tabloid site Bleeding Cool this morning informed readers that Dakota Johnson, product of an unholy coupling between Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, will play Anastasia Steele in an upcoming film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. The news was met with feigned disinterest from thousands of readers as the comic book fans moved to position themselves as too discerning to care about the clumsily written erotic fan fiction novel originally based on the Twilight series before having all the names changed to avoid copyright infringement (really, we're not making that up).
"What?" said Joseph Shumann, a longtime Bleeding Cool reader from Grantsville, MD. "Fifty Shades of Grey? Who cares about that, you know?"
Shumann went on to complain that Bleeding Cool would even publish the news, which clearly had no relevance at all to any of the site's regular readers. However, Bleeding Cool mogul Rich Johnston supported the work of Craig Skinner, the reporter who published the article, praising Skinner's attention to detail in informing readers that Johnson was known for roles in films like The Social Network and The Five-Year Engagement, and that the film was being directed by Sam Taylor. According to Johnston, the article was completely appropriate for publication on Bleeding Cool.
"Oi don't know what everyone's got their knickers in a twist about, Oi don't," said Johnston in his trademark Cockney accent. "The article has gotten tens of thousands of unique hits, it has."
Well sure, no one is debating that the movie has its fans. The complaint is that those fans are not the typical readers of Bleeding Cool.
"About seventy-five percent of the hits came from returning visitors, they did," Johnston told us, explaining that the statistics showed that regular readers of the site were, in fact, reading the article. "Oi know my audience, Oi do."
Johnston went on to trace the geek pedigree of the movie through the Twilight connection to supernatural fiction in general, a close cousin of the superhero genre. According to Johnston, while the book has been generally derided by vocal comic book fans, just like Twilight, many of them must have read it. If they didn't, Johnston insisted, articles about the movie wouldn't do so well for the site traffic-wise.
"Pip pip," Johnston concluded, punctuating his statements.
"Well of course I've read it," admitted an indignant Victoria Featherstone, a daily Bleeding Cool reader from West Warwick, RI. "How else was I supposed to know I didn't like it if I didn't read it."
Well, that's a good…
"Three times," she added.
Oh. Well, that actually seems a little bit excessive for something that…
"No, wait, four times," she corrected herself. "No, five. But that's enough, you know? I don't care about who's being cast in the movie, which I will probably see in the theater a maximum of three times before buying the Blu Ray when it's released."
"Well, I for one will not be seeing the movie," explained San Francisco resident and avid Bleeding Cool reader Randy Powers. "At least, not at the midnight opening, I mean."
Powers denied any and all rumors that he would be dressing up as one of his favorite characters and standing in line for tickets on opening night as completely unfounded. "Why would I do that?" he wondered loudly while repeatedly clicking the refresh button on Bleeding Cool's homepage. "I'm not interested in this film, the book, or any news related to either of…"
"Oh, shit!" shouted Powers, excitedly clicking on an article that had just appeared on the site, also written by Skinner. "Charlie Hunnam is going to play male lead Christian Grey!"
"Not that I care," he quickly added.
FIfty Shades of Grey begins shooting in November and will be released in theaters on August 1, 2014, as we learned from the Bleeding Cool articles that we swear we would never even have read if we weren't writing this article making fun of them.