Outhouse reporter Jude Terror was thrilled Thursday evening to learn that his wife and kids had picked him up a copy of the hit new video game, Grand Theft Auto V, earlier that day. Though he was reportedly very excited to play the game, the looming responsibility of the 24 hour comics news cycle hung around his neck like a noose made of chains being pulled by an albatross.
"I've been playing the GTA series since the first game, which came out back when I was in coll... er, high school," said Terror, suddenly very aware of the many gray hairs in his manly beard. "So naturally I couldn't wait to get my hands on the latest edition, which comes with three playable characters, a game world bigger than any in the history of the franchise, and, supposedly, a return to some of the more fun aspects of the series that were missing from the drab, somewhat depressing atmosphere of GTA 4 with its stoic, Eastern European protagonist, Nico."
Terror thought about making a reference to The Outhouse's own recurring character, unpaid intern Vlad Kozinkerov, but quickly dismissed the idea as too much effort when there are games to be played.
But though the game was finally in Terror's grasp, the thrill of actually popping the disc into his Playstation 3, waiting approximately seven and a half hours for the system to install the various updates required since he'd last used it, and actually playing the goddamn game for roughly a half hour before having to go to bed so he could wake up for work the next morning remained torturously out of reach. You see, Terror just doesn't feel right if he goes to bed without writing an article or two for the morning about some comics and comic-related stories that hadn't been covered earlier in the day.
"It's been a slow fucking week," complained an exasperated Terror. "I mean, yeah, we got to reset the Has DC Done Something Stupid Today Counter once, but other than that, there just hasn't been a lot of news. Probably because all the PR staff at the publishers are playing fucking GTA V."
Quickly, Terror located some stories that might be of interest to The Outhouse's readers.
"Lego Marvel Super Heroes," he remarked to himself. "Yeah, they'll wanna know about this."
"Lego Marvel Super Heroes revealed its first DLC pack yesterday," Terror hastily typed, post-dating his time reference since he knew the article wouldn't be published until morning. "According to Brick Ultra, the pack will feature playable characters Hawkeye Classic, Spiderman Symbiote, Thanos, Dark Phoenix, A Bomb, Falcon, and Beta Ray Bill, as well as two vehicles, the Spider Buggy and the Hawkeye Sky Cycle, which will each come with five additional races."
"There was no mention of the best Marvel vehicle, the ThanosCopter," Terror snickered to himself as he threw in the reference to the beloved Outhouse reporter of the same name.
"The game is in stores in October for, like, all the systems, including PC," Terror finished. "And it will be out on the X-Box One and PS4, whenever those come out. No release date is set for the DLC yet. Alright, now it's time to play!"
Terror looked at the TV screen. Installing 5327 of 8486 MB. "God damnit," he grumbled.
Terror went back to the internet, where he quickly found a story via Deadline about the Oni series Ghost Projekt by Joe Harris and Steve Rolston getting a TV pilot in production at NBC.
"The adaptation marks the one billionth comic book to have its movie or television rights optioned this year," he wrote. "The show will be written by John Glenn - not the astronaut - and Andr... by Glenn and And..."
"Oh, for fucks sake," Terror griped, copying and pasting the difficult to type name of the co-writer and co-executive producer. "The show will be written and executive produced by astronaut John Glenn and Troll Hunter's André Øvredal. Øvredal will direct the pilot too."
"The graphic novels are about an American and a Russian teaming up to track down some crazy weapons, which is ironic considering, you know, politics and stuff," Terror explained, itching to get to the game, which was now asking him to calibrate his display. "A bunch of other people will serve as producers too, including..."
"Jesus," he said, noticing there were like seven fucking people producing the show. "No wonder The Sixth Gun, another Oni series optioned for TV, never got off the ground. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Anyway, the other people no one reading this have ever heard of that will produce are Noah Greenshner, Joe Nozemack, and James Lucas Jones."
"All right," Terror concluded, proud of his work ethic as he clicked save and dove over the couch to grab his controller. "See you losers in like two weeks!"
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