It's a day ending in "y," and you know what that means: Marvel's got a blockbuster crossover on the way soon, and they're sending out a shitload of teasers to promote it. We suppose we should be grateful that someone actually put some work into these Inhumanity teasers, rather than just slapping a single word with a gradient effect on a black background and calling it a day, but we can't help but be a little bit disturbed by the slogan on this one: "See Something, Say Something."
That's also the slogan of a campaign by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security encouraging citizens to report suspicious acts that could be related to terrorism. It's the sort of thing that's plastered all over airports near the TSA security checkpoints. And you know what happens at the TSA checkpoints: body cavity searches. Therefore, we have no other option but to conclude that Marvel will be giving fans body cavity searches if they purchase a copy of Inhumanity.
Now, we know what you're thinking. Perhaps this is simply a metaphor, implying that, by bilking event-wary readers out of more money with vague promises of Universe-altering endings and the threat of not being able to understand what's going on in their regular monthly books due to disruptive tie-in issues, Marvel is figuratively bending them over and ramming a fist up their asses. But no, we're quite convinced that Marvel intends to do this literally.
To get to the bottom of this, we visited the office of Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso and asked him some questions.
"What? No!" Alonso protested as he quickly shoved a box of white rubber surgical gloves into his desk and slammed the drawer shut. "What? Why would we do that?"
Come on, we insisted.
"Listen," Alonso told us as he knocked a bottle of lube off of his desk and into a garbage can. "Marvel is not planning to perform body cavity searches on its readers. That's just not true."
So no cavity searches?
'What do you think?" Alonso went on, " Marvel is going to set up checkpoints at every comic book shop, detain people purchasing copies of Inhumanity #1, in stores in December, and subject them to invasive body cavity searches? Are we going to just shove our hands up the asses of our readers and really dig around in there as some kind of bonus for their purchase, like the free digital download code, but, instead of free digital copies of the comic that can be read on your Android or iOS device, you get the hand of a Marvel Employee groping around inside your asshole?"
"That would be ridiculous," Alonso concluded as he noticed a thick binder on his desk labeled "Plan to Set Up Checkpoints at Comic Book Shops and Perform Body Cavity Searches On Readers As Part of Promotion For Inhumanity." He quickly flipped the binder over, laying it face down on his desk so we couldn't read it.
Well, nothing to see here, we guess. Maybe we were overreacting. It is pretty silly, now that we think about it. Check out the teaser below, and don't be scared to pick up a copy of Inhumanity from Matt Fraction in December. We mean, what's the worst that could happen?