The comic book community was shocked this morning when Marvel Comics sent out a press release advising its readers to "Get Tested Today," an obvious admission that the company has contracted a horrendous sexually transmitted disease so terrible that it can actually be passed along through comic books. The Outhouse spoke to top industry scientists to find out more about this deadly new disease.
"Oh yes, comic books are very sexual in nature," explained Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, Comic Book Biologist at the prestigious University of Phoenix. "Just look at all the overly sexualized women in skimpy clothing, contorting their bodies impossibly to show both tits and ass at the same time. Of course diseases can be transmitted just by reading them."
Though the name of the disease has not been revealed, the image accompanying Marvel's release shows a man with half of his face turned into a red, skinless mess, so it appears to be some sort of disfiguring, flesh-eating virus.
"It's clearly one of the most dangerous STDs the human race has ever encountered," Puffinbottoms told us. "This isn't surprising, of course. Comic book companies are among the most sleazy corporations on the planet, so if it was going to come from somewhere, it was probably from them."
According to Puffinbottoms, the scientific community had long looked to the comic book industry as a probable source of the next plague, and it seems that fears of a worldwide epidemic may be turning into reality.
"It's really only a matter of time before the disease spreads throughout the industry," said Puffinbottoms. "Comic books are always crossing over with each other, one event bleeding into the next one. It's extremely unsanitary."
Puffinbottoms advises companies to reduce the risk of infection by making sure that the stories in blockbuster event comics are self-contained within their own mini-series and don't require readers to buy all of the tie-in issues just to follow what's going on. To further reduce risks, all comics should be packaged in sealed polybags, and probably not even opened, both to protect against the spread of the disease, and to preserve the comics' mint condition.
It's only by practicing safe comics that readers can avoid making mistakes in the heat of the moment that can have permanent, even life-threatening, repercussions.