Last night's episode of Marvel: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. was perhaps the best yet, but, unfortunately for Marvel, the ratings fell again for the show, hitting a record low in both total viewers (6.63 million) and the popular men 18-49 demographic, in which it scored a 2.2 (down 12% from last week). Desperately seeking a way to save the show, Marvel analysts have discovered a direct correlation between the quality of the episodes and the ratings: as the show gets better, less people watch it. The solution to this problem is simple: make a shittier show.
"The people have spoken," declared executive producer Joss Whedon. "They don't want an enjoyable show with engaging storylines and characters they care about. They want a disappointment. Well, message received. I should have trusted the system."
Whedon went on to promise that future episodes of the show will feature less character development for Agents Fitz and Simmons, and more emotionless acting from Agent Ward. "There will be absolutely no believable sexual tension between any characters on the show," he swore.
According to sources at Marvel, teams of writers are working around the clock to scrub the rest of the season of any ongoing mysteries, such as what happened to Agent Coulson after the Battle for New York and why all of Skye's shirts are missing the top three buttons, and replace them with generic monster of the week plots, though none of those monsters will be recognizable characters from the Marvel Universe.
"To viewers who have commented on how much better the last two episodes have been," Whedon concluded in a heartfelt statement, "I apologize. From the bottom of my heart. We'll do much worse from now on. I promise."
The next episode of Marvel: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. airs on Tuesday at 8E/7C on ABC.