Are you a Dilbertesque management buffoon with 10+ years experience in corporate buttkissing and a penchant for giving creative people painful migraines? Do you have no clue how to think about what you say in public and filter out things that are dumb or offensive to multiple minority groups? Are you a bald idiot with a goatee and a fetish for the number 52? If you answered yes to any of these questions, DC Comics may be looking for you in its new DC Entertainment Executive Talent Search!
In the wake of a controversy over an established comic book artist with over 70 credits, including some for DC, winning their Harley Quinn Suicide Talent Search contest, DC is throwing caution to the wind and launching right into another talent search, this time, ostensibly, to find the next big DC Comics executive.
"DC is looking for the next big name in upper middle management," announced DC Co-Publisher Dan Didio in a special interview with The Outhouse inside DC's executive conference room. "We thought, let's put out a call to the fans to find DC's next executive. We want to see who has what it takes to be a part of this crack team."
According to Didio, DC will release scripts from some of their most popular and critically acclaimed books. Contestants will be asked to make unreasonable and senseless last minute changes to the script, and then demand that the creative team execute the changes. In the likely event that the creative team responds by walking off the book, the executive is expected to make an ass our of him or herself (but probably him, because DC is sexist) on social media.
"You'll be scored on how ridiculous the changes are," explained Co-Publisher Jim Lee, "plus how close to the publishing deadline you wait before requesting the changes. The more impossible it is for the creative team to redo the pages by the deadline, the better."
"Extra points if your changes cancel the long-awaited return of a fan favorite character and repace them with one of your personal Mary Sues," chimed in Chief Creative Officer Geoff Johns. "And if those changes manage to exploit or demean a large group of people, like women or homosexuals, with boneheaded tone deafness, all the better!"
Sounds about right.
"Here's an example," said Editor in Chief Bob Harras, grinning like a moron. "Take the script for Batman: Eternal, featuring the return of Stephanie Brown as Spoiler by beloved writer Scott Snyder. If I were entering the contest, I would say, let's replace Brown with Jason Todd and a sex-crazed Starfire. She really wants to bang, you know? She wants to bang Batman."
Harras paused for a moment, lost in thought. "And let's get rid of Snyder and get Scott Lobdell on there, okay?"
Now, hold on...
"That's a really great idea, Bob," chirped Didio. "is there a way to fit in killing off a respected black character?"
"Let me think about it," Harras responded as the smell of burning wood filled the room. "I really want to win this thing."
"Hey! I'm gonna win this thing!" shouted an irate Johns. "I think we should replace Steph with a genderbent amalgam of Barry Allen and Hal Jordan. Hallie Allen. Then we'll put her in a lesbian relationship with Batwoman, which has the bonus effect of further shitting on J.H. Williams and W. Haden Blackman's work."
"Hey, you may be on to something," commented Lee, visibly arroused.
"Mmmmmmwaah mmwah kissie kissie," said Johns, who had pulled out action figures of Batwoman and Hallie Allen, which he must have had custom made before the interview . "Oh Hallie. You so sexy. Me so horny! Wanna scissor?"
Wait, Hallie Allen is Asian? Also, that's racist.
"So?" Johns wondered?
"Wait, does Nightwing die in this?" wondered Didio. "Can we kill Nightwing?"
"Aren't we killing him in Forever Evil?" asked Harras.
"We killed Batman, like, six times during Final Crisis," Didio responded.
"Well alright, I guess you win the contest, Dan," Harras admitted.
"Hooray for me!" exclaimed Didio, clapping like a seal.
Hang on! You guys aren't actually gonna hire a new executive?
"We never said it had to be someone new," Didio lied.
Yes you did! You just fucking said that! You said you were "looking for the next big name." Not one of the existing ones!
"Obviously you don't understand context," Lee fired back.
"Look, I have some last minute changes for the contest," an excited Johns interrupted. "Instead of looking for a new executive, let's have one of us win the contest."
"Great idea, Jim," Didio concurred.
"May the best man win!" shouted an invigorated Harras.
You guys were planning to do that all along!
"Guys, I'd just like to say, I'm really honored that you would name me the winner of this contest," started Johns, about to launch into an acceptance speech.
"What?! No, I'm the winner!" shouted Harras, shoving Johns out of the way.
"I'm the winner!" proclaimed both Lee and Didio simultaneously as a scuffle broke out.
"Eat lead, fanboys!" screamed President of DC Entertainment Diane Nelson, who kicked in the door and began firing a machine gun wildly around the conference room. Didio grabbed Harras for a human shield. "Victory is mine!"
Look, this is getting ugly, so we're gonna get out of here. Stay tuned to The Outhouse and we'll let you know how to enter DC's contest so you can waste your time when they award it to someone that already works for them, like they always planned to.