By now, we’ve all seen the headlines (note the lack of the phrase ‘read the articles’) regarding the “winter proof” cockroaches invading New York City. What was unknown, until now, was where the cockroaches would make their headquarters. That mystery has been solved as it was announced by building owners that these new deviated cockroaches (dc for short) would be moving into the soon to be vacated offices of DC Comics Editorial. Some of the roaches have already moved in to empty spaces vacated by former employees who will not be making the trip out to California, to the surprise of many DC writers.
"I was finishing up a Batman script last week when a six foot tall cockroach burst in my office door, tackled me to the ground, and started hissing loudly at me while its mouth feelers rubbed all over my face," reported star DC writer Scott Snyder. "It was pretty terrifying and disgusting. It took me a while to figure out that the cockroach wanted me to make some last minute changes to the script."
Snyder later admitted that at first he did not recognize the insect as a cockroach and just assumed that Jim Lee had returned to pick up some of his personal effects, such as the soul of every DC employee.
"On the bright side, once we figured things out, he was relatively reasonable about it and we were able to work out a way to make the script work," Snyder added. “Turns out, cockroaches are the best editors I have ever worked with in this building.”
When reached for comment, the usually concise and well humored Dan Didio was not amused:
"I want to refute these rumors that DC editors and executives are competing with giant mutant cockroaches for a spot on the food chain. It's utterly ridiculous, and I'm not going to stand here and..."
Before Didio could finish, a seven foot tall, four hundred pound cockroach burst through the wall to Didio's office and charged at him. Didio leapt to his feet and rushed over to a large red box on the wall labeled "In Case of Mutant Cockroach Invasion, Break Glass." He smashed the glass, pulled out a flamethrower, and used it to chase the cockroach from his office. When it was gone, he brushed some rubble off his desk, straightened his tie, and sat back down, panting heavily. "As I was saying," he told us. "Completely ridiculous."
In order to better understand the cockroaches, Outhouse Ace Reporter Frankenstein interviewed their leader, Gregor Samsa:
Frank: Why you big ugly bug?
Samsa: I don’t really know, just woke up like this one day.
Frank: Is reference wasted on Frank’s readers?
Frank: What you do in DC building?
Samsa: We are going to make our nest here. It seemed natural considering our initials were already on all the doors.
Frank: Frank get it! Deviated Cockroaches, Like DC! That funny.
Samsa: Welcome to the first paragraph
Frank: Frank smash bug!
The Outhouse was unable to reach Mr. Samsa for a follow-up interview.
Reaching out to known woman, Gail Simone, The Outhouse was surprised to find that not only would she speak with us, but she had actually read our site.
"It's been somewhat disturbing," said Ms. Simone, referring to office politics with the cockroaches. "Last week, I saw Bob Harras fighting two giant cockroaches over a piece of moldy cheese he found underneath the office fridge."
"Bob was victorious, of course. He was so proud when he grasped the cheese between his pincers and scurried off to his office to eat it," she continued. "Still, it's very distracting, and I can't wait until we make the move."
Stay tuned to @TheOuthousers as we live tweet updates to this story for as long as our attention span allows.