Source: Tips Sent To @HDCDSST
Dear Fanboys, Haters, and the Internet in General,
Change is not always bad, new does not always mean the end of days, and no one is forcing you to do anything. So calm the fuck down. Example: Yesterday a rumor started traveling all over the tubes we call the internet that DC’s “Five Years Later” event will focus on the infant son of Superman and Wonder Woman. You’d think this possible storyline personally came into everyone’s home and forced people drink Kool-Aid made from the tears of their childhood (which is delicious if not a little salty)...
Jude Terror comes running into the Outhouse newsroom. After becoming wedged momentarily in the door, he manages to unstick himself.
Jude: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa!
RU: What now?
Jude: I don't think it's unreasonable for people to be upset about this. This is a company that went out of their way to undo Superman's marriage to Lois Lane (amongst other character development) with a line-wide reboot, and then drove popular creators off Batwoman based on some ridiculous credo about no characters being married. They flat out stated that no one in the Nu52 can be married.
Jude: So it's a little insulting to then have a line-wide super-mega-crossover-event complete with probably a variant cover clusterfuck for some of your top characters to have a baby.
RU: You don't have to be married to have a child. You of all people should know this. Furthermore, your argument makes two unverified assumptions; First that the Nu52 was done, in part, to undo that marriage when that could have just been a by-product. And, second, that just because characters are not married right now that after five years (story time) that could change.
Jude: But having a child certainly ages and ties you down as much or more than being married. Even if you had the baby from totally awesome x-treme space sex. And the whole "five years later" thing is stupid anyway, it's just a way to tell stories that there's no way the company is going to stay true to five years from now, and it's gonna take up all the books for an entire month and probably have glitter-covers that get allocated and cause a marketing catastrophe.
RU: So you want to reset the counter?
Jude: Well, we can't reset the counter over a rumor either. It's not confirmed that any of this is happening until Didio starts crowing about it at press conferences.
Jude (whispering): Well, I don't know why I came here tonight…
RU (whispering): I got the feeling that something ain't right…
Jude (singing now): I'm so scared in case I fall of my chair!
RU: I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs!
RU and Jude together: Batfleck to the left of me, Joker's Daughter to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you!
RU: Here I am!
Jude (pointing at RU): Stuck in the middle with you!
Jude and RU look at each other awkwardly. Jude leaves. RU, not caring about this anymore puts in a DVD of Rocky and Bullwinkle, grabs a bottle of vodka, and settles in for the day.
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About the Author - GHERU
RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time. RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage. Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write. RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them. RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor. You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, & even Google+ (if anyone still uses that).
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