Early Wednesday morning, Outhouser legal counsel, Nigel Rodriguez, filed a class action lawsuit against The Weather Wizard for damages caused by all this winter weather bullshit. The multi-million dollar lawsuit hopes to provide reparations to everyone affected by this asshole and seeks punitive damages so he never tries this shit again.
Northeast Ohio commuter, Haon Razeal, summed up the sentiment of the majority of the plaintiffs:
Jesus fucking Christ, dude! We understand you've gotta get revenge on The Flash, blah blah blah. He's a dick. Fine. But people gotta go to fucking work. Enough is enough. Holy nutsack-on-a-stick, dude, I’ve been stuck in the house with my fucking family for five fucking days! FIVE DAYS! Do you even have children? A wife? There’s a reason that we get 8 hours away from them most of the week; so we don’t murder them! As I sat there and watched the same godforsaken episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates for the 18th time in one god damn day the only thing I could think about was the sweet sweet release of death.
Weather Wizard; go fuck yourself and your mother! Shit balls, we have to reschedule our vacation this summer since the kids have to make up the extra days they missed due to your fucking temper tantrum. Jesus H. Christ, why don’t you just go die in a fire? Dick!
Due to a very broad interpretation of the Interstate Commerce Clause, The Outhouse was able to file this lawsuit in federal court, allowing us to recruit signatories from most of the continental United States. Missouri resident and recent Coke-a-Cola boycotter, James Morrison, had this to say when asked why he joined The Outhouse in this lawsuit:
It’s perfectly reasonable for Jesus to send those heathens in New York City, Central City, and Indonesia devastating storms to punish them for the gays, but when good, God-fearing Americans, like me, become collateral damage something has to be done. It’s not like this area is run by a bunch of Spanish speaking taco farmers, we’re real Americans here, and we don’t deserve eighteen winter storms in one week. I know this cannot be God punishing us for anything we’ve done – we hate all the right people – and I deserve money for all the shoveling I’ve made my kids do, lost wages at Wal*Mart, and for being forced to watch HGTV all day for three days with the wife.
Reminding everyone that it’s not just politics that make for strange bed-fellows, San Francisco vegan and Big Bang Theory white knight, Craig Palesir joined in the litigation in order to “reinforce the ideal that women can do and are interested in the same things as men.” When asked to clarify how one thing had to do with the other, Mr. Palesir stated:
All of this snow does more damage to the equality of women than any other weather phenomena. By creating a situation where people (mostly men) have to shovel snow, women are put in a position to appear weaker than men. Furthermore, the road the conditions reinforce the common stereotype that women cannot drive in the snow, and hinders the ability of millions of American women from attending their weekly Dungeons & Dragons game. On top of that….
(As a public service, The Outhouse will not repeat the rest of Mr. Palesir’s response as it was fucking stupid and annoying and almost caused this reporter to kill himself to make it stop.)
Unfortunately, there are those who will use this lawsuit as a way to make some extra, unearned, money. Florida retiree, Mordechai Schwartz was immediately told to go “fuck yourself with an old broomstick” after he tried to sign up for the class action. The automated message continued:
What, you don’t think we have maps? We don’t have The Weather Channel app on our phone? That we don’t know that your whole state was sunny and warm while the rest of us suffered? We don’t know why the Weather Wizard spared your short-bus of a state, but you and the rest of your kind (Floridians, not old Jews) can get eaten by a shark for all we care.
Seriously, fuck you.
As of publication, The Weather Wizard had yet to respond to the law suit or Outhouse interview requests, but his lawyer and former Michigander, Brad Thompson, released this statement:
What a bunch of fucking pussies.
More on this story as it develops.