Since that dude who did all the voices in that Watchmen motion comic awkwardly acted out the rape scene, comic book industry analysts and professionals have known that it's only a matter of time before digital comics destroy the print comic book industry. Yesterday, that doomsday prophecy moved one step closer to coming true, as Bleeding Cool reports that DC is abandoning the process of giving comp copies of comics and trade paperbacks to its employees. Instead, the publisher will reward people who move across the country from New York to Burbank to continue working for them by taking away what was probably the coolest perk (and maybe only redeeming value) to working at DC, and replace it with digital download codes from comiXology.
The move has displeased analog resistance fighters like controversial retailer and CoBRA Commander Dennis Barger Jr., who likened the move to getting people "hooked on digital heroin" in a videotaped message played for followers on Facebook this morning. However, proponents of digital comics like Mark Waid reportedly laughed maniacally when told of this shocking development.
"Mwahahahahahahaha!" laughed Waid, who recently purchased a comic shop just so that he could watch it fail as digital comics erode its customer base. "Hahahahaha!"
But comic book shops aren't the only victims of the War on Print Comics.
The Outhouse reached out to rich Uncle Pennybags, CEO of the biggest (pretty much only) distributor of physical comic books in the United States, Diamond Comics, for comment. "This is outrageous!," said Pennybags as he lit a $20 bill, used it to light a $100 bill, and then used that to light his cigar. "I say, this is a slap in the face to our company, which has wallowed in co-dependen... I mean, dutifully supported the comic book publishers for the last twenty years! This move could put us out of business. We're struggling, you know!"
Diamond CEO Uncle Pennybags demands his share of variant cover sales from a retailer standing next to a commemorative statue from the Amazing Spider-Man wedding issue (MSRP $499.95).
"It's insulting to creators as well," Pennybags added as donned a comically old-timey swimsuit and prepared to dive into a large vat of money'. "What is a DC employee supposed to do if they don't own one of these i-thingies to read the digital comics on? Go to the store and buy one for himself? Or, you know, send his butler. I don't know how poor people do things, dammit!"
Despite Pennybags' concerns, Rich Johnston said that he has not heard anything about creators losing access to their physical copies, but once the bean counters at DC see this program save them some money, will they be able to help themselves from spreading the policy as widely as possible?
We'll just have to wait and see...
...actually, fuck that, let's just assume the worst and lose our shit over it now. AAAGGGHHHHHH!