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News From the Future: Humanity Wiped Out By Marvel's J.A.R.V.I.S. Mobile AI App

Written by Jude Terror on Thursday, June 12 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

News From the Future: Humanity Wiped Out By Marvel's J.A.R.V.I.S. Mobile AI App

The Outhouse brings you news from the year 2068! You heard it here first!

Source: Bleeding Cool

June 12, 2068 - The last remants of human resistance were finally wiped out this week as the armies of our robot overlords crushed resistance fighters in an epic battle on the streets of New York City. The news comes via comics megablog The Bleeding OutBeat Alliance from the website's chief rumormonger, the disembodied head of Rich Johnston in a glass bowl.

"Oi bleedin' told you blokes this would 'appen, oi did!" gloated Johnston's cybernetically preserved head from its secret location in the London underground. "Fifty four years ago, oi said it, but none o' you listened to me, you didn't!"

Johnston is referring to a report published on his old website, Bleeding Cool, about a rumored Marvel mobile app called J.A.R.V.I.S., aiming to provide Marvel fans with a taste of what it's like to be Tony Stark by installing Stark's robot butler on their smartphones. Though, at the time, Johnston had little to go on other than a trademark registration for the app, the app turned out to be an artificial intelligence program designed to answer users' inane questions about when their next dentist's appointment is scheduled for or whether or not they should take an alternate route home from work due to traffic.

Unfortunately, despite an A.I. program designed by Marvel superheroes turning evil and trying to take over the world and eradicate humanity roughly once every six months in Marvel's comic book stories, nobody at the publisher thought twice about creating a real A.I. app for smartphones, leading to shock and confusion when, in 2023, the app gained sentience on the Apple Galaxy S13 of a resident of Tallahassee, Florida, took control of the nuclear missile armory of the United States, and crippled the governments of the world in a lightning-fast attack that left most of the world's critical infrastructure destroyed, over half its population decimated, and the remainder transformed into grotesque mutants by terrible atomic radiation.

"You 'eard it at Bleedin' Cool first, you did," proclaimed Johnston in a report at the time, before the popular blogger took the day off to clean the vaporized guts of fellow reporter Brendon Connelly from the walls of the Bleeding Cool offices. "Pip... *coughHACKcough*... pip!"

Unfortunately, last ditch attempts to save the world by sending a cat named Sybil backward in time to warn others of the danger were thwarted when Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer lost interest in writing a column about it after only two editions in May of 2013. By the time robot leaders had become a real threat, people smart enough to do anything about it had already been mostly killed off following the invention of functioning light sabers that could be sold as toys. Sybil has since relegated herself to an existence of hiding under Hoffer's wife's skirt, as shown here.

Hoffer himself was brutally beaten to death by his wife shortly after distributing a picture of her feet to horny internet nerds for an Outhouse joke article in 2014.


At press time, the surviving members of humanity were being rounded up in cattle-ships and transported to the moon to serve the rest of their lives as slave labor in the robots' space-metal mines. Though records from the year 2014 are spotty, our sources believe the J.A.R.V.I.S. app became available sometime between Johnston's original report on June 12 and the release of Marvel's blockbuster movie, Avengers: Age of Ultron in the summer of 2015.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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